The new book

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Philias
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Re: The new book

#11 Post by Philias » Fri Feb 21, 2020 12:52 am

Thinking took over my life.
I think... Too much.
It's unhealthy. A vicious cycle of neverending thoughts. An ouroboros that keeps gnawing at itself. Uselessly chasing it's own tail.

My thoughts are the same. I can't seem to stop them.
Silkweed did help. Would help.
But i'm out.
And Ellbry does not want me to smoke anything else...
He says it makes me 'loopy'...
Poor man ain't wrong. They sure kick me several ways different. And don't always help.

But the thinking is and will remain the issue.
For now... I gave a certain rat my stone for safekeeping.
It is not that i want to, but i do not trust myself to do the right thing or say the right words lately.
Often enough i find myself with work being the only thing that truly keeps my mind at bay.
Baking, sewing, running...

Though i do not run as much as i was... And i really should run...
All that baking is turning my middle softer... Ain't helping that i'm turning more and more grey by the fucking day either.
At least Eileena can't see it should she come by.
Makes me wonder how she's doing.
Writing a letter to a blind woman sounds like an idiotic idea...
Maybe i should send her some roses?

I've seen a poster the other day... Maybe i should check that vendor out to help mask up the white in my fur... I'm sure that's an easy fix for someone skilled.
When have i started to turn self-conscious about my age?!
Fuck...
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#12 Post by Philias » Sat Feb 29, 2020 2:10 pm

Not much new is going on, i'm afraid.

I met Syrawenn.... got my stone back from the little girl in order to be able to communicate again.
I'm not... quite there yet... my mind is still a horrible place to delve into. But i truly believe that retracting from any social life and people is just counterproductive.
On the sidenote... the onslaught of hugs and the kiss to my nose was very welcome. Huh...

I finally finished the Mock-up of the corset that i am working on... after having it fitted to the person it was meant for, i needed to make adjustments. It is not... simple, to get those done in order to fit a man, when all those patterns supplied are for women.
But it's just a small hurdle to jump.

What Ellbry does not know....
On one of my presumed 'runs' in the morning, i actually slunk out to visit Dalaran. On my own, i know...
But it's best he does not know, for i found the prettiest goldthread-embroidered dark-pink fabric...
it's a bunch of swirls and petals in rosegold. But so pretty...
Now i just need to take my mock-up apart and use it as a stencil. This will be a lot of work.

i... do not think i ever attended a Noblegarden preparation day at the orphanage...
The kids this year were painting banners for the occasion. finger-paintings of flowers and bunnies... and Ellbry showed them how to make butterflies.
With his own hands!
Caked in paint...
He was so brave. I still can't believe that he actually let himself be painted in such a way...

The shirt i wore that day ended up covered in tiny little butterfly handprints all over my back. I think... that i should keep it. It's a fond memory that will make me smile whenever my thoughts turn dark again.
And as we speak of darkness...
Remember when i said that i wanted to go to Northrend with Ellbry? To visit Caroline one last time?
I won't do it. I can't.
There are so many what if's and unclear thoughts about it, that i'd rather stay put and just... forget.

Gus brought me new seeds. And pot...
mentioned to bake a cake with it. Might actually try to make some brownies sometime soon.
Been a while since i had a smoke or was effected by that stuff. I miss it. It reined my thoughts in and actually helped me come clear. for a while at least.
Until it stops working...

Now i'm sitting here... looking at the engagement ring Ellbry gave me and don't know what to do.
Maybe you got an answer for me? Hidden on one of your pages?
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#13 Post by Philias » Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:17 pm

The moment you leave the house in the morning, is the moment you start thinking of your next steps...
That's what someone once said to me.

And he was right.

I went out today to attend to the mass in the morning. It was a quiet one. Surprisingly. Not much new was said. Less even that touched me.
But i overheard a priest talk about forgiveness. About closure of mind.

We got talking. And he recommended me a couple of books from the library.
In the end i had three in my arms.

This whole day... I was thinking about my steps. Even when i returned home.
All i could think about where the words i read in one of the books.
"everyone seeks absolution. We beat ourselves up because we can't word our thoughts to seek another persons forgiveness proper. Try writing them down. A letter with a plea for forgiveness to every person that keeps your mind occupied."

Ever since, i can't cease the writing...
I wrote letters to Caroline, Fandrik, George, Ophilia, Stewart... And so many more...
Letters over letters. They keep piling up. Each person i failed.
The book said to start with the dead, as it's easier to begin writing to someone that is not around. Because we think of those for the longest of times with all the 'what if' s' and 'if not for' 's...
Tomorrow... I will start writing to the living. A letter for each person i failed.

Oddly enough... This does seem to help.
Bit by bit it feels as if my mind is being freed of guilt.
Slowly.
Babysteps.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#14 Post by Philias » Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:33 am

It is the first time i a while that i actually had the chance to indulge in cooking without my brain going haywire.
The repetetive motions. The guidelines. The instructions given by someone that has cooked the dish many times before. Perfected it.

I must've written two dozen letters by now. Some longer, some shorter. Others just one phrase... Some entire essays...

It makes me feel lighter. So much lighter.

Today i took the dogs out while Kernan cared for Elodie.
On my way home i passed the little shop i've seen posters of.
Curiousity struck me.

So i went back out once Elodie was dropped back off, took her out to the park.
Gnarly princess of a chick shat on my chest while we were laying on the grass...
Try explaining passers by why you wear a poop-stained shirt...
Granted, i cleaned it best i could. At least in the moment. But still...

I entered the store, and i left the store a half hour later with a stone in hands. A tiny blue gem...
The mage i think, felt sorry....

Ellbry...
I have not heard him swear a string of slurs in a long time. But today he did.
Seems that he disliked the magic behind that gem...

The more i know.
For now all i can do is watch him. He has a mean concussion and i hope he will be allright...
Told my nose to stop moving when i asked him how many he sees...
Silly man.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#15 Post by Philias » Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:32 am

It is simple to fall into a routine of thoughts when you do repetitive motions.

Today i helped Ellbry sewing the hem of a dress. As simple and straightforward as that might be, it leaves me with enough time to think.
And i don't mean the bad thinking of the past weeks. Productive thoughts. Constructive ones.

As soon as i sat down and started working with the needle, my thoughts were repeating themselves like a mantra.

The books that i borrowed from the library...
They spoke of forgiveness.
Asking for it due to your own shortcommings... . Granting it to other people if they apologised...
But most importantly....
To start and forgive yourself.

It makes me wonder...
All those letters i have written over the past days... All the monologues with myself i had, all the thoughts i shared with the roses...
It makes me think that maybe... Just maybe... I should write a letter to myself, too.... Asking my past self for forgiveness.

As silly as the thought might be...
Maybe it helps.

Forgive yourself

Over and over again.
The only thought that kept repeating while i worked away...
I might pick up a pen again.
There are more letters to write still.
And i won't stop until the last person is asked for forgiveness.

And not until i get to forgive myself.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#16 Post by Philias » Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:32 pm

I went to Dalaran... got myself some lovely Strawberries... and pondered. What to do?
And i kind of missed my pies....

So... After two failed attempts... i came up with this:

Prep Time: 45
Cook Time: 45
Total Time: 1 hour 30 minutes

INGREDIENTS
FOR THE CRUST
2 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, cold, cut into cubes
1/2 cup cold buttermilk

FOR THE STRAWBERRY FILLING
5-6 cups fresh strawberries, hulled and sliced in half
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup lightly packed brown sugar
1/4 cup cornstarch
large pinch of salt
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
heaping 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1 large egg, beaten and granulated sugar for topping the unbaked pie

To make the crust, in a medium bowl, whisk together flour, sugar and salt. Add cold, cubed butter and, using your fingers, work the butter into the flour mixture. Quickly break the butter down into the flour mixture. Some butter pieces will be the size of oat flakes; some will be the size of peas. Create a well in the mixture and pour in the cold buttermilk. Use a fork to bring the dough together. Try to moisten all of the flour bits. On a lightly floured work surface, dump out the dough mixture. It will be moist and shaggy. That’s perfect. Divide the dough in two and gently knead into two disks. Wrap each disk in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour. Allowing the dough to rest in the refrigerator will help re-chill the butter and distribute the moisture.

To make the filling, in a medium bowl toss together strawberries, sugars, cornstarch, salt, lemon juice and ground ginger. Toss until all of the cornstarch has disappeared into the strawberries and let rest for 10 minutes. The strawberries will begin to produce juice.

Brush the egg wash over pie crust, then sprinkle with sugar.

Preheat the oven to 200C.
Place pie on baking sheet and bake for 15 minutes, then reduce the temperature to 180C and bake the pie for 30 minutes more, or until the crust is golden and the cherry filling is bubbling. Remove from the oven and allow to cool completely before serving.

Even the failed results are... rather delicious if i might say so.
no doubt, one of my best fruit pies so far.

Can't wait to have Ellbry, Eileena and maybe even Ducky try it on the next meet!
For now... i need to catch a hold of Baxter.
Crazy mongrel made a mess.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#17 Post by Philias » Wed Mar 11, 2020 8:38 am

So...
I go to the meeting...
There's so many promotions! To people that deserve it in my eyes.
Myself included.
Poor Ellbry started crying. Overwhelmed with the trust he has gotten.
Not gotten.
EARNED.
I've seen him connect woth so many people over the past couple months. And damn i'm so proud.

DUCKY!
That conniving, smug bastard got promoted, too!
My heart actually sped up.
Is that what being a proud Dad feels like?
Same woth Anomen.

Both made me so incredibly proud to have witnessed that moment in time.

But damn... Ducky...
He snuck me a paper.
Mean information on that one.

Time to talk with Ellbry about work on this.
Who else to ask if not him?

I can already tell that this will be such a beautiful thing for the future.

Sweet little Rat.... You're in for a treat.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#18 Post by Philias » Thu Mar 12, 2020 9:46 pm

The days are dragging on.
I like the quiet of it.
It's pleasant. And finally.... Finally i get to start enjoying this life. The quiet life.
There's the dogs to tend to that keep me busy.
Elodie, too, which always comes along with visits by Kernan to help train the little beastie...
The mornings spend tending to the roses.
Jemima, Audra and Isabelle are doing splendid in the new soil. Those branches are growing. I had to fix them on a climbing board the other day.
Somehow, i do have the feeling that those little babies alone will make a formidable roseharvest this season.
And Eileena.... My sweet little purple baby...
She's intertwining herself with her sisters!
It's so nice to see them grow together.

Oh Eileena. How i wish to speak to her about my plans!
And to Preston.
Damn... Preston... Reminds me...
I need to talk to Ellbry about that dress...

Not a bad thing to remind myself however.

The childrens bedroom is finally starting to take form.
The giant gryphon plush is finished and awaits usage.
I also ordered some nice planks of wood from the lumbermill by Redridge. Went by during my morning run on wednesday. Got the confirmation of my order via letter this morning.
Can't wait to have it delivered and to start working on the beds and shelves.
It's a long term project.
One to keep myself occupied and to remain useful.
Making a home is a useful skill after all.

And i want this to be a home. A good home.

I started writing the first letters to those that are dear to me, as well. The living ones.
I think...
That i will wait with the letters for Ducky and Ellbry... Something tells me that those should be coming last...
And i would be a fool to not listen to my gut.

Speaking of gut...
Time for supper.

P. B. R.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#19 Post by Philias » Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:30 am

I sit infront of this diary for long periods of time without being able to write.
My heart constricts and my mind goes blank.
Why do i feel as if i am choking when i look at these pages?
Maybe it's because i feel uncertain about the latest events.

It all began with Kernan introducing me to a couple of his friends.
They invited me to a night out at the pig.
A good thing. Social contacts, making friends, getting laughed at for drinking tea
while the others all tend to their ale and stouts.
I don't mind it. It's my choice for the better! I think clear.

The dwarves got hammered. Literally. First on booze, then their tools.
I tried separating the fighting parties.
Who knew a discussion about the right tools could cause something like this?
Got punched in the face by one of the dwarves... Knocked me right off ky feet.
Now i feel like an idiot to even try and interfere.
Not my proudest moment.
But at least i tried.

I... Also ordered a new rifle. I know... There's no actual need for one...
Retirement means i don't have to shoot again.
At least not people. But i do miss the hunt. Small game, big game...
Anything...

Hopefully Ellbry will understand.
Someday.

For now; It's time.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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Re: The new book

#20 Post by Philias » Wed Mar 25, 2020 8:13 pm

The last days were wild... I got the childrens room nearly going. Managed to set up the bed. Time to paint it. Make it look pretty and ready for the new sleeper. It's startling to see the progress.
A good progress.
At least i thought so.
Up until last night.


Light.... please help me...
I know i don't ask you ever.... For anything... but now i need that help that i never asked for...
Right now in this moment.

Fuck...

The moment i though all was in the clear, i am getting tossed a giant branch in between my legs.
How am i supposed to act now?
I scared Felix... Made him cry. How on earth am i supposed to act now?

Watching him sleep last night... i have never seen him be plagued by so many nightmares.

I get why he acted the way he did. But why has he not told me earlier... He could've just mentioned it?
"Hey... Phil... listen. There's this one thing we need to talk about..."
And drops a bomb like that after nearly seven months?

Give me strength to see this through....?
Nothing changes... still the same. Still here. Together, right? One unit?
Fuck, man. What am i supposed to do or say?
This... feels like a rift now? I can't shake the feeling that he hid more than that thing from me.
Still wants to continue. To move along with all of it.

For fucks sake.

But worst part is.... i feel powerless? How am i supposed to help him? Get the papers he needs?
Not how. But where. All it takes is a seal, a record of sorts, right?
Something money can buy? Something that can easily be acquired when coins change hands, right?
Should be.

If you wanna give me a sign on what to do? Now's the time!
Now more than ever.

Caring.... sucks. It hurts.
Always hurts. So much. Yet i'm here. Ever supportive.
That happens when you care.

Can't even get myself to make the plushies the girls asked me yesterday to work on.
Ought to talk to Augsy...
Or somebody else...

For now? Off to the meet. Time for distractions.
"In a world full of fear and hurt, even the least fortunate child deserves a toy to remind it of better times. If only temporarily. And if it smiles? That's the best kind of payment in my eye." P. B. Redcliff

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