Feline Philosophy II

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Feline Philosophy II

#1 Post by Anadelonbrin » Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:51 am

The book has been grown rather than crafted and blends in seamlessly with the other twigs and branches of Anadelonbrin’s armour. The pages are quite literally leaves and the writing on them is in Darnassian.

November 5

Shan’do Everbreeze gave me my old journal back some time ago. He wants me to start writing again, to help me sort out my thoughts. I have been reading it little by little while growing this one. It is not an easy read. A hundred pages. Three years of my life. I think there was more, but the rest of the pages are ruined. My hopes, dreams, fears, rage, love, hate… Much of what is in there, I had forgotten. Many of the names and references no longer hold any meaning to me. Others do. The people who did not just come and go. The people who are still here. The people who died.

This first entry in my new journal ties together both the beginning of the end of the former one. It begins with the moonwell in the Park in Stormwind. Every night, I walked up to it, hoping to find him there. Sagitas. I knew he would not be there, but I went anyway. It was never fair to miss him. I had been the one to walk away.

Ever since I came back from the Emerald Dream, I have been having dreams about him. Perhaps he has become a symbol for the things I secretly long for but dare not act on. His memory is pure. It never had a chance to get tainted by hurt or arguments. No conflicts of interest. No third parties. I still miss him. I miss the moments we shared in a simpler time. I miss who I was with him. I miss the way it made me feel when he smiled at me. Perhaps I dream of him because it is safe. It brings no sense of guilt or rejection. It is safe to dream of things that bring no need for action because they can never come true.

Although I never found him again, I found others by the moonwell. It was where I first met Eileena. Where we met many times. One of the last entries in the old journal was about when she stepped onto a ship to sail away from us. I was furious. I felt betrayed. Abandoned. I feared for what would become of Nomine without her. I feared for what would become of me. I was furious with her and perhaps just as angry with myself for having a part in things that had changed him. It was not a sweet farewell. If not for Miëlle, Kit and Esau, it could have been the bloody and ugly end of Starlight right then and there. It takes more than a dagger to stop a raging bear. But the three of them could. No blood was shed. Not that moment anyway…

Now, even the Park and the moonwell are gone, torn away by a dragon. Not even the scar remains. Stormwind has regenerated, new houses cover it up. People forget and move along. There are more important things than parks. Still, when sleep approaches, I replay hundreds of nights of soft paws on dew-covered grass in my mind. Still I dream of the reunion that never came. But not last night.

Last night, I sat by the fountain behind the cathedral with Eileena. Same city, same person, different water. As the droplets fell and rose to fall again, we spoke. The rage I felt when she left has long since faded, replaced by grief when she was believed to be dead, then a medley of other emotions after finding out she is alive again. Yet this was the first time we really sat down together.

Before she left, I saw us as opposite pans of a scale. We were parts of a whole and we balanced each other. I watched with sharp eyes and claws from the shadows. She watched gently with her heart. She was the light, I was the dark. Others were in between or somewhere else completely, but together, we made it work. This time around, it is different. Perhaps we are both more centred. Perhaps that is what happens when you are tossed around too much. You find your balance, or you lose yourself. I see in her something that is both strong and fragile at the same time. It resonates with something in my soul.

She needs him, but she will not erase herself to be what she thinks he wants her to be. In one way, that was clear when she left in the first place. But being locked up changes things. When she told me of her isolation, memory after memory hit me, some like a slap in the face, some like a punch to the gut.

Cage. Wood. Splinters. Sticks. Blood. Kill. Escape.
Cage. Metal. Starvation. Hate. Comply. Survive.
Cage. Stone. Starvation. Cold. Whip. Hate. Comply. Survive.
Cage. Sewer grate. Goblins. Cattle prod. Stank. Kill. Eat. Survive. Wait.

Not every cage is the same. But once someone takes your freedom from you, you are forever changed. Something breaks inside. Something grows. For one, it is a hatred for those who put them there. For one, it is a longing for a saviour. For one, it is the memories of something safe, a place, an object, a person. For one, it is all of them in a torrent of emotion. For one, it is a vast, expanding nothing. It is not the same every time. But no one escapes unchanged.

That feeling of being completely and utterly alone… She described it. I know it. Many have died because I know it. When there is nothing and no one holding you back, what is left to stop you?

Strength in unity.

I wonder if the phrase is only words to some. To me, it is everything. It stopped me from falling into the Nightmare. It pulled me back from the Emerald Dream. It held me back when I learned that my closest friend had chosen an enemy as her new friend in my absence. It saved me from one of those cages. It saved so many lives in so many ways. We belong. We have a place that is ours in a world of war and chaos. We are different. We are not the same. But we are united.

Eileena’s place is here. A piece that was missing has returned to the puzzle. Will it fit? It has to.

This time, no gift of violence. This time, an offering of peace. Of time. My time for theirs. If he accepts it. There are no simple answers laid out before them. Can they grow with their roots in the people they once were and still be entwined as the people they have become? Only they can figure that out. It is not about an exchange of rings and vows. But they need breathing room to figure it out. To grow together or cut the cord and release each other.

My place is not between them. My place is at their side, no matter the outcome.

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