What i can never tell you:

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#21 Post by Philias » Tue Dec 17, 2019 1:52 am


remember when i wrote you how great the people in Starlight are? About the individuality of one? Each on their own is… already remarkable. But together?

They are moving mountains Carol.
Quite literally.
In this case, mountains of toys.

I asked them last week to meet up with me for a stitch-fest to make gift-stockings for the orphans. Each little one deserves a stocking nailed to their bed at the orphanage. And to get something delivered while they sleep.
Well… at least that’s the plan.
For now, i’m sitting on the entire pile of plushies. Waiting for my sight to return.
At least my sight. I want to see those little faces lit up with joy when they play with their toys.

I don’t have much hope for my hearing to return proper anytime soon.
The little Songbird has been over. Came by to help some more, talk to me. Granted me her company. Which… quite frankly… turns out to be something i might have needed as much as she did. In my own way.

I went to the meeting once Ellbry helped me to get onto Feathers. Darned over-sized turkey acted out at first. He was antsy… maybe because he knows that i am not myself lately.
But he’s a good bird. Always eager to please. So i stayed at the lighthouse with him.
Someone gave me a candy-bar… i don’t know who that was. Just that it’s been fuzzy paws. And now that i’m eating it… it’s deliciously sweet. i have to find the person and thank them proper. Ask them even where to get more of these.

It was odd. Sitting there on feathers and just… being there. Knowing there were people around. But not who. Or what was spoken in it’s entirety. But… when Syrawenn lead me off the darned chicken, and positioned me in front of Nomine, i was…

Quite frankly… i was scared. Standing there on my own… in the middle of… a space. Darkness surrounding me. Silence.
My heart was racing in my chest. Worries about reprimands, maybe even a punishment for hurting someone in Starlight.
After all… i managed to shoot Ducky again.
Honestly… Witches and dark magic and all their voodoo hoodoo mumbo jumbo…
cursed grounds, Carol. Cursed fucking grounds!
But no… none of that… My worries
Turns out he asked me a question. Details are fuzzy… but i answered yes.
And that turned out to be the right answer somehow?
In the end i was promoted. I’m a member now. A valid proper part of Starlight's ranks.
It’s … wow. Really.

I can’t wrap my head around it…
Had a talk with Fio afterwards.
Not because of the promotion. But because of my face.
When that woman offers help, you don’t deny it. Ever. I did once. Worst idea ever.
So i agreed.
We… sat down at the harbor despite the cold. She did her thing…
And i… did what i do best. Sitting there. Allowing it.
After, i managed to open my eye a bit. But darn. All is so incredibly blurry. It will take a while to be viable again.
Gotta have to ask Ellbry for eye drops later. Might help a bit.

Fio had a breakdown of sorts. I offered her a hug. And she took it. Ended up crying against my chest. Muttering something about pride.
Fuck pride.
Told her that showing emotions and allowing oneself to be weak at times is a strength all on its own. Also told her that i cry, too.

Offered her to be there if she needed more of it.
I’m good at giving hugs. I think that comes with the set of wide shoulders. Or maybe it’s the Worgen fur. Fuck do i know.
Sorry… i know. Language.

She needed the closeness.
So many need it.

That’s something I've seen a lot in Starlight lately. People starved for it.
Ellbry… Anomen… Eileena… Fio…
It’s a re-occurring theme.
Something i can help with. Especially if it’s so easily resolved. Be it with a talk. Or as simple a thing as a shoulder to cry on, followed by a hug. Or vice versa.

Ellbry told me about my scruff today. Just running my fingers through it now. Let’s give it a few more days without a shave. Might like what i see when i can look at my face in the mirror again.
Maybe it will be distracting enough from the new set of scars i can feel now.

Feeling… another funny thing.
Take two more senses from the one you already miss and touch is a sense that is so utterly overwhelming.
Everything feels warmer. Colder. More restricting. Softer…
I can feel Ellbry’s heartbeat when he’s resting in my arms at night. Or the slight tremors of Fio when she started crying in silence… Trying to hide her emotions at first… The pulse in Eileena’s fingers whenever we join hands. Just the vibrations of sound surrounding me.
Is this how the body adapts?
It’s … so entirely mind-blowing….

Ever so wondrous,

P. R.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#22 Post by Philias » Sat Dec 21, 2019 10:01 pm

Carol, i can’t believe how lucky i am!
Thanks to Ellbry, Miss Fio and my most respected little Songbird my eyesight is finally returning.
I still look like someone punched me proper across the face. At least my eye. Still a bit bloodshot. But its getting there.
At least i can see. Most of what i’ve seen so far. But there’s one issue…
The moment i pick up a book i need to squint. And by the end of my reading session my head hurts as if someone pummeled it with a frying pan.
Its anything but pleasant, truly. Ellbry already booked an appointment at the… what’s it called… eye specialist? Optometrist or whatever those funky guys are called.
Seems that i need some glasses.
I truly am getting old, aren’t i?

On the brighter side, my hearing is returning gradually, too. I can finally hear Ellbry’s voice, too. And seeing my Sweetheart sure had me feel like returning home from a long journey.
Its nice… truly. To see him and the others again.

Speaking of the others…
I invited Eileena to join me and Ellbry for a stroll through Ironforge and the christmas market.
If only to see a few new things and have her walk around freely, experience fun things, and FINALLY show Ellbry the pretty cities of the eastern kingdoms.

Let’s hope he will take to the toasty dwarven city the same way i did.

In fond memory,

P. R.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#23 Post by Philias » Wed Jan 01, 2020 10:02 am

My sweet Caroline,
Wishing you a happy new year is pretty much useless, but i'll do it non the less.
Everyone should get this greeting.

My recovery has been going well so far. To my very surprise. The hearing is back to full efficiency at least. Although i still struggle with reading. It causes me some mean headaches if i indulge into a good book for too long. Before you ask, yes... i already set up an appointment with an optometrist to get them looked over.

Also, a big change in the last week.
We moved. Ellbry and i that is. Got a different place. Bigger, more... prepared. For a future to settle into. He thought about everything. Even got two small bedrooms spare for children... But that is a future thought still. All is too new, despite it feeling as if we know one another forever.
Being close to a person makes time seem surreal. Especially when they seem to understand you better than anyone else. Has it truly just been a bit over two months? It feels as if we are together for longer than that. Maybe it's the seamless synergy between us. Who knows.
Carvan called us mates the other day. He ain't quite wrong. But it's too early for us to take that big of a step towards defining what we are quite yet i think.

Getting settled over the winter veil holidays and have the sewing-shop back up and running was quite tricky. I even got a garden now where i replanted the triplets into proper soil. Can't wait for spring to enjoy some downtime in it, drinking tea and watching the birds at the bird feeder during a nice breakfast.

You know how certain people never cease to surprise you?
Met a longtime friend of Ellbry. And guess what...

He actually got two dogs for us. Corgis they're called i think. And let me tell you, they're so horribly adorable...
Audrey, a little bitch, seems to be a loving if shy creature.
Baxter, a young dog, is a bit more outgoing and bouncy, despite the fact that he is lacking a hind leg. Makes a good addition to our family as long as they don't crap or wee into the house. Ellbry will throw a fit. But for now, it's all good.
You bet that i'm going to have those little sweethearts bounce around the house at all times and even sleep on our bed. They are family. A pack.
And a pack sticks together should they want to sleep with us.
But pssst.... don't tell Ellbry i said that.
Makes me rethink the entire mate-matter though. Having dogs with someone you love makes another step towards making a proper home.

Last night was... odd. I barely remember what happened exactly after some point, other then Ellbry and me drinking, celebrating new years with the dogs, watching the fireworks through the windows.
It was nice. Intimate. In a family kind of way. An Actual family now that we have dogs, Carol. Which is a very nice switch up compared to the lonelier years up until now. Spending the eve with two corgis on our laps, getting puppy-kisses and enjoying the warm hearth while talking is downright lovely.
A shame that i don't remember much after that. Everything is blurry. I blame it on the bubbly wine we drank... You know i can't keep a clear head when drinking that fizzy shit.

It's time for breakfast now. Ellbry will be awake soon. And i should clean up the bedroom before he wakes, else the poor man won't talk a single word without turning the shade of a tomato when he remembers just what he did.

With the sweetest of well-wishes for your rest,

P. R.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#24 Post by Philias » Wed Jan 08, 2020 12:57 pm

Been a week since i wrote, Caroline.
Not that much happened, so i try to give you a rundown of the things that i think stood out the most.

The dogs… well. Nothing to say here.
They’re settling in well enough in my eyes. Had a little scuffle with them two nights back. Got pinched by them both.
Well deserved, actually.
Not that they are mean little buggers, but i kinda got all snarly and grumpy on Ellbry once we returned home, backed him up against the wall. Baxter and Audrey both leapt in to help him by attacking me, ripping my trousers and pinching my butt.

All is good though. They stopped the moment i fell.
Apparently me rolling over onto my back was enough for them to see me submit.

Dogs and Worgen do seem to be alike…. somehow…

Olivia and Raythe are getting hitched. Did i tell you that? I don’t think i did.
Anomen and his love too. He announced it at the meet.
What is it with people getting married now that new year is around?
Not that i mind. Marriage is a wonderful thing. If done right.
Anyways… Both, Oli and Ray asked Ellbry for a suit and a dress. I had the fun task of making notes about their preference. Surprised Ellbry how much i actually knew about the topic of dress-bodices…
What did he expect!? That i can’t discern a sweetheart neckline from a normal shoulder-strap? I have been reading those tailoring-books in his shelf not only because of those pretty pictures. Give me a little credit here….

But writing of Credit.
I have to give Ellbry credit. Whatever he did on new years to me… it helped.
My nose is working again. You remember back then when you tried to help me and failed? After that we did not try again. And i adapted. And things were fine.
It’s in the past now.
Smells are overwhelming. Tastes are… too. at times.
But that’s what life is, eh? Overwhelming at times.

There’s been an influx of new members in Starlight lately.
One of which seems to be a demonic powers-wielding human torch on two legs. Let’s hope he won’t start any fires around here.
Then there’s this vendor. Lovely bloke, according to Ellbry he’s got giant melons. He… He actually does. Some sort of overgrown produce from Pandaria. Delicious, too. Glad to have a steady supply on my hands now. Makes me wanna cook a nice dinner.
And a woman. Sweet Miss Marcy. Can’t wait to talk more to her.

Last meet-up was… fairly interesting… i think i made a rash choice. Too rash. Without really giving it a second thought. And i regret it. Should’ve voted for keeping that shit and make it possible to find a cure by those that are able to find one. To research and help in that matter.

Trust me, Carol, i’m downright disappointed with myself.
And i will do penance for it. In some way.
For now i must focus on work, try to figure out what to cook for lunch and how to get this giant teddy-bear sorted out that i need to sketch up and draft for Victoria.

Wish me luck,


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Re: What i can never tell you:

#25 Post by Philias » Fri Jan 10, 2020 8:15 pm

Things are changing, Caroline.

And i can’t fathom if for the better or not.
It is hard for me to write this. But i see myself struggling with each day passing.
The life i made for myself? It is a good life. An honest life. Something one should be proud off at any given moment. Social. Enjoyable. Just.



Two nights ago i ran into a kid. She asked me what was going on with my face, why i looked the way i did.
Not a bad thing in itself. Children are curious. But they don’t judge.
Ran into her again, on the street. a couple hours after.
And her greeting caused some random men to start mocking me on my affliction. i got frustrated. badly so.
Those frustrations seem to add up, lately.

Frustration because of my inability to read without suffering an impending migraine.
Frustration because i don’t feel whole without shooting my rifle and making use of my skills.
Frustration because others are uncaring of personal space and other mans belongings.
Frustration because of the people being rude about appearances. Not only towards me.
Frustration because of the hushed murmurs and Criers in the street spreading hate-speech about other races and current political views.
Frustration because even the church now, spreads their own word in order to stoke the hate and mistrust in people.

I am no fool. I do not believe in those lies. We’re all equal. All loyal to the alliance and our King. No matter if newly added to the treaty or not.

All this gives me a headache… worse than the one i suffered from after meeting Augustus at the Tavern and spending most of my night drinking with him.
Oh the memory alone…
It was a fun night, but not worth the suffering after.

I miss being in the field, Caroline. Miss putting my life on the line for something that matters.
Doubt clouds my believes when i think about Ellbry agreeing with me on that matter.
That sweet Darling Sunshine will more likely be distraught over my request to join the battles again.
But then…

What good am i if my eyesight does not allow for such?
According to a specialist i will need Spectacles now. If only to wear for reading and such. Yet still….

What good is a sniper that needs an aid for the one eye that he still has?
This will not get better.

Maybe baking another carrot cake will actually lighten my mood.
It should not be this glum since i have been on an outing with my beloved today and we rather enjoyed ourselves walking around the City streets.
Sweet Ellbry makes me smile at any given time as he seems to be the sole reason for me to try and keep a positive outlook.

In deepest thoughts,

P. R.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#26 Post by Philias » Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:42 pm

Oh sweet Caroline...

Remember when i told you about my frustrations?
Ellbry did a grand job on keeping those down by taking me out for a surprise visit to a pandaren restaurant.
We had so much food that he nearly had to roll me down the street.
I wish you would have gotten the chance to taste something that is called prawn crackers. My beloved got me an entire bag of those to crunch away on while reading up on stitches.
It's so crunchy and tasteful! I love them. How come i never heard of such thing over the past years!? Maybe because i cared little for pandaren cuisine.... but now i do.
With my taste restored i can finally indulge fully and explore combinations of spices that make my senses light up in more ways than one.
It's fantastic. Truly.
How much did i miss out in those regards in the past fifteen years!? How many cooks did i not give proper credit for their dishes prepared with care and love?!

We took out the frustration once we got home, too. In one way... or another.
Had quite a fun time during the entire day really.
Thanks to Augustus being so eager to tend to our pooches, watching over them whenever we have to leave for an outing that takes longer than an hour.

Speaking of outing...
Augustus and i went running in the morning. Through Elwynn forest as we usually do at least twice a week.
We were gone for many an hour. And it was good. For the most part. I finally got to relax by releasing all that pent up energy that gnaws on me over those past couple weeks.
Nothing beats a good run after all.
But then that pack of hungry Wolves showed up. We tried to outrun them. I managed. Augustus not so much.
He ended up bitten and bleeding as he fought them back. Got nabbed myself, but its nothing in comparison to Augsy.
Brought him back home where he was tended to.
Who knew that a man delirious on painkillers could be so much fun to mess with!?
Caused Ellbry to blush on more than one occasion. And was rather rudely touching his rear too!
It made me laugh really. Knowing that my poor mate had to endure someone so high on medication.
I feel more sorry for my Angel than my friend, i'm afraid as i know that Augustus can pack a punch. Or two.

I also met with Eileena...
Where i was bitten again.
By a Worgen this time around. Right behind the Cathedral no less while having tea with the lovely sweet Songbird.
What a mess...
She opened my eyes a bit. Mutually we did, actually.
Poor woman felt bad for not being able to voice her problems in a way that.... might be best suitable to breach a subject.
Made me realize that... we both have the same issue.
How am i meant to voice my concerns and desires to Ellbry without hurting him again? Without putting him through the same suffering a second time should anything happen to me once more?

This is all such a mess... future Me will have a really hard time over this.

Speaking of future Me...
Future Me will be suffering.
I was so wrong Caroline... decided that trying the hot-wing-challenge at the Recluse was a good idea.
Little did i know.
I was so gravely mistaken on that point... should've known how bad things were by the time i signed the waver...
And as the lovely cook of said wings mentioned... i suffer more than once.
Frankly... i embarrassed myself.... ran out of the recluse and spewed all over the greenery...
Might try those hot wings on a different spice level again at some point.
For now, i am suffering enough.

Imagine me sighing deeply Caroline... because that is what i do now.

Simply because i have had to put my foot down for the first time in the relationship with Ellbry.
Little Git dared to call me something in front of a mutual friend. Now he's paying the price for it.
Had to, at least somehow, punish him to bring my point across. In the end he begged for my forgiveness and promised not to cross that line again.
Don't worry... i did not go to hard on him. He will be fine.
I love him after all. What Monster would it make me if i would truly hurt him?

Let's hope he remembers his place now.

P. R.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#27 Post by Philias » Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:30 am

It is with a heavy heart that i am writing you this later Caroline.

Today has been a sad day.

But let me begin with a lighter topic first.
I do not wish to keep good things from you, so i am going to retell pleasant things first in order to even out the bad later on.

Something about little Miss Lumi has me smile the last few days. She's such a radiating creature. Always smiling (or blushing lately) as she is on the lookout for new contacts. And apparently she made one.
In all honesty, i am curious as to how that will go in her future. But i will be there along the ride. As moral support and a friend to lend a shoulder should it all end in tears.
Sweet thing…

Another sweet thing…
I love that woman with my whole heart. If i had a sister… She would be it.
We fall in place together so nicely each time. Be it over tea or in a dance. That woman just… Fits herself into place no matter the situation.
I wrote you that we talked about certain inabilities of voicing our issues to people in my last letter, right? Silly me… Why am i even asking you? Of course i did.
Well. Right now i seem to have found something that works. Not quite the stuff that i am used to smoke in order to talk with *you* but… I was high as a kite. Certainly enough so to have a talk with Ellbry.
In the shower… dressed…
Because for some reason i thought that would just be the BEST idea of mankind!
Guess what.
It was not.

And i'm such an idiot.

No doubt there though, right? You called me an idiot often enough way back when. Now i at least have self confirmation on top of that, thank you very much, Caroline. Very helpful.

So: recommend Eileena some 'medicinal' herbs to smoke. On my list. Yepp.

Had a nice day today in the Recluse at first.
I love the Recluse. Cayleigh was there. And Quentin.
Cay got another marsuul. Wicked little creatures. So precious! I know you would've loved them. Additionally to little blue Pix she's now running around with a yellow one called Boop. He makes the sweetest sound when you boop his nose. Delightful little fellas.
It pays off to go there as often as i do i suppose…
The bartender, Lia already poured me my favourite drink just by seeing me.
Precious young lass.
Her and Cayleigh have been playing darts. Might join them another time for a game or two.
Then there's been this… Random drunkard just… Sliding into my lap.
Not that i'm not used to it. Quote the opposite , Ellbry does it all the time, but still…. It was a little bit unexpected.

Made a new friend, too. Aila. Lovely pandaren lady.
Works with gems and precious metals. Asked her to make me a gift for Ellbry.
I wonder if he will love it…
Sure hope so.
Please don't ask me what her entire name is. I won't be able to pronounce it even if my life depended on it…

We all took a rough and tumble today… Down the grassy hill by the pond at the cathedral.
Aila, Preston, Ellbry and i kind of went swimming.
And let me tell you. The stench of wet dog was not something i missed all these years.
On a different note… it was fun. We laughed a lot.
All of us. Despite it being cold enough to freeze my bollocks off.

And then it all went to shit…

A Kaldorei was murdered on the open street tonight. Right by the fountain at the steps down Lion's Rest. Poor thing had a dagger thrust in her heart. Voidmagic…
It was so plainly visible…
I've seen it in passing. They had no regards to the young woman. What a shame that someone like that died.
Those Ren… I feel deeply sorry for their people.
They are officially banned from the cathedral. Criers urge them to walk in pairs only when moving through the streets. No doubt there will be another big announcement on the plaza during the day…
I fear for the peace and the Alliance, Caroline.
This leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. The memories of passed times are flooding my mind.
Have i not been subject to these types of baiting and harassment in the past for being afflicted? Were not others just as affected by these speeches as us for being different?
We're all focusing our efforts in order to reach the same goal.
Trying to make things work despite our differences and cultural disagreements.

One way or another.

Let's see what these following days will bring.
Pot-luck on Saturday. Guild meet on sunday. Something to look forward to.
I should take Ellbry and leave the City. If only for a couple days.
Stormwind has always felt like a relatively safe city for me.
But right now…
Safety is the last thing i feel when walking these streets.

P. R.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#28 Post by Philias » Sun Jan 19, 2020 2:14 am

Caroline... I love you.
And not once before in my life did i hate a single person as much as i hate you right now.

I want to forget you. Ban you from my memory if there would be a way...

But memories are constructs of our mind stuck with us for the rest of our time as we walk through our lives.

You alone are the cause for this. The reason i injured Ellbry.
And i despise you for it.
If not for you, this would never have happened. I would never have closed my claws around his throat in means to...

This will end. Those dreams will be no longer.

I asked friends for help.
Varric told me about herbs that make potions for sleep. That make them dreamless.
Marras offered to help me too. No more dreams.
But both of their potions result in some sort of dependancy...
Fuck dependancy. I can manage as long as i cease dreaming.

No dreams means no longer reliving your demise.
No longer watching your life seep through my fingers in form of blood.
No more helping you to pass over into afterlife.

This has to end before it's too late.
I rather drink a potion every night in means to sleep calmly if it means safety for the man i love.

I could not love you. But by no means will you stop me from loving another.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#29 Post by Philias » Sun Jan 19, 2020 2:10 pm

I will not adress you.
No way. Not until the issues with you are resolved.
And yet i feel the urge to share my thoughts and days with you despite all.
It is hard to strike you out of my life entirely after such a long time.

Curse you.

The pot-luck yesterday had a fantastic turn-out.
So many people. Even some i've rarely seen up until now.
This should be a regular fixture. A means to bring people together. Give chances of making new contacts.
Refresh old ones. Exchange stories...
Or in my case, explore new business opportunities with fellow guild members.

There has been... Interesting conversations, to say the least.
Never seen Tikal stick around for as long as he did. And in his actual appearance too. Not just a 'Kitten' as Miss Lia so lovingly called him.
It's nice to see those two.
And Nomine...
Despite the fact he did not stick around for long, he was there. Eileena did not seem too happy about it.
But then again... There's been plenty of people unhappy last night.
I think i upset Varric by asking for the sleeping potion.
We both know it's my last resolve, else i would not have begged him for it.

A solution for my current issues. Any ensuing problems are meant to be solved by future me. Won't deal with it now.

Morrigan... I did not quite catch onto what exactly happened... Or why the mood turned sour the moment Morrigan started walking up to Miss Marcy. But it was reason enough for Tikal tobstand in between them.
Why.... Does this happen on such a peaceful eve?

Might've drunk too little. Not eaten enough. Despite the wonderful foods brought and supplied...
Marcy and Xuviuz went all out. Bless them.
Didn't peg X for someone that enjoys Gilnean Brandy the same way i do. Or Marras...
But hearing them both praise it, and watching them get drunk was fun.
It's odd to view these types of gatherings while being very much sober.

Marras... Fun guy. Good in my books. Alchemist. Monk. Herbalist.
He offered me something to smoke to take the edge off. Between us? I think Ellbry would not be too happy with it. Allthough i will ask for a pouch of his herbs the next time i see it. Or when he delivers the potions i ordered.
There's nothing wrong with smoking a bit of something to relax and free the mind.

Ellbry... Surprised me. We had a talk a while back. Where i voiced my confirmations on him freely touching people in a non-sexual sense.
He can hug people, touch people, even kiss people for all i care. I ain't the jealous type. It's part of life.
And i won't ever restrict his affections towards other people.
It ain't right. Especially not as i am free to give those to others myself.
No-one ever died from a hug, but from the lack of it.

The night itself... Was interesting.
We opted to use shackles... To tie me down in order to keep Ellbry safe. A wise choice for the time being if to judge by the imprints in my skin upon waking. I fought the restrictions hard enough to leave marks for the following hour past getting up.
Until we find a solution for the nightmares this is the most suitable option in my eyes. Beats sleeping off the bed and on a rug like a common Mutt.

Even after all this... He still wants me to be close.
That man is a keeper... And damn worthy of being my mate.
I need to ask him. And i will.
Once i sorted the issue that is your memory.
I will not start writing another chapter in my book before i closed down yours for good.
It's not fair on me. Not fair on Ellbry.
And especially not fair on the family we might be and have some day.

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Re: What i can never tell you:

#30 Post by Philias » Sun Jan 19, 2020 9:10 pm

Meet's over. Got a keg. got the flasks. Got the weed.

And the silkweed is good...
smooth sailing from here on out, indeed. Marras ye genious...

got the munchies. Bad ones. time to raid the pantry.

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