Compassion, patience, bravery.

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Compassion, patience, bravery.

#1 Post by Varric » Thu Sep 26, 2019 4:45 pm

Emotions. Such a complex and peculiar topic. How does someone truly explain them? Fear, anger, sadness, happiness, each and everyone one feels these emotions. Yet what if each of them had an embodiment... And manifest themselves as if they were a person as well.

Yesterday they did.

The last thing I expected yesterday amidst all the chaos was to be sucked into to Eileena's mind. Such dark and morbid place. Over the years and endless battles, I had believed to have grown numb to these emotions but there I felt it. Something I had not felt in a long time. Fear. A cold sweat, a constant shiver down my spine, the air struggling to fill my lungs. In there I saw and felt things that would still haunt me now.

How does she cope I wonder? Everyone has ghosts and demons that haunt our thoughts, that maim our everyday life, but the darkness, the distortion, how does she keep her song so melodic and pure?

Have I grown so numb that my demons no longer taunt me and I have forgotten what it’s like? Is this what Rey felt soon after and Fio? Have the embodiment of their ghosts and demon come to manifest and take over their minds now? Yet, why does it not affect me as it does them?

Why have all other feeling and emotions turned numb over the years, yet why does fear persist? Every battle I rolled a dice, and every battle an emotion used to flood through me - excitement, fear, anticipation, and now only fear stays, lingers... My old friend.

I have learnt the hard way to deal with my past, the pain never goes away, you just forget it’s there even if briefly.

At least everyone was safe. That’s all that mattered in the end, even if these questions steal my sleep and dreams. At least... I found some comfort when she opened her eyes and spoke my name. A guilty comfort. One I know I should not have.

We all lived to heal, recover and be together once more.

May the Light grant us all strength for what is to come.

PS: Must remind myself not to heal again. Pretty sure I lost years of my life with that stunt.

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Re: Compassion, patience, bravery.

#2 Post by Varric » Sat Sep 28, 2019 10:15 pm

A letter. Something I seldom receive. Something I rarely expect and when I get one, it’s usually nonsense or something that does not rightly require my attention. What separates a letter from another letter is the seal. A seal I have not seen in years, a seal I have tried to forget for years, a seal that has came back to haunt me and rip apart all the healing I have done.

I broke the seal, the seal of the House Wildenstar with a trembling hand, I felt cold, frightened, scared. It was as if my blood had stopped running and stood still. My eyes scanned the words, none of it made sense, how could it? Why now, why after all these years.

One by one, eventually the words started to make sense, I tried to read them again but my trembling hand did not offer me any comfort.

*letter* To Varric Hayhurst - formerly protegé of House Wildenstar of the Crystal isles

Dear Varric.
I offer news that i think you would like brought to your attention.

I know you have come to terms with the slaughter of Northrend and I am sorry to tear open old wounds. We all lost people there that day and once more I must most ardently offer my deepest condolences and thanks. had it not been for the death of Ilira we would have been family today.

Though my news aspire hope or maybe more sadness - which it is I still do not know. Lately stories have been sent to me from Northrend. Stories of what is said to be “the golden ghost” - the tale speaks of a woman, roaming the cold of Northrend alone - crazed by a past no one knows. Whomever try to get close to her say she is young and has blue eyes.

This news made me dare to recall the face of Lord Tarroll's youngest daughter Tialynn, whom i recall having very blue eyes.. It could be her… or it could be an abomination of her. I do not know

I would ask a meeting of you. Come to the crystal isles and we can talk. You know what happened there - one of the very few to have survived and you are my best choice.

Garyn Seabourn
Lord Protector of the Crystal isles
She was alive… How? Why had everything come back to haunt me again, why after all this time, after all the amends I made with myself, after all the images and memories had been forgotten, why would this come back for me.

I had finally found a place I belonged, just to have it ripped apart from me again. Such seems to be my fate, my destiny.

I was a young soldier then, under the mentorship of Lord Wildenstar. A father figure I had never really had. I looked up to him, learned from him, loyal as a dog. In turn he had brought me into his family, they had treated me as well as I could have ever hoped. They gave me everything a family could and eventually I was permitted to Court the eldest daughter, sweet Ilira.

We were to be wed, a grand reception. A ray of light upon the cold, cloudy skies and wind of Northrend.

The youngest one in Ilira’s family, my dearest Tyalynn whom I had shared such a good bond like the little sister I never had was to carry our rings, I still remember her dress…

*the writing becomes more uneasy as it goes on, wet patches can be seen across the pages.*

I watched as the scourge attacked our settlement. No mercy, no compassion. They had one thing in their mind, if they did have a mind at all… And that was to slaughter everything they could find. The endless massacre that followed. We tried to take arms, rally with our lord, save everyone we could. We prayed to the light and charged but it was to no vain. One dropped two raised, except this time it was familiar faces, it was people we laughed, cried and had grown to care for.

I watched helplessly everyone fell around me. I watched in fear and disgrace as my Lord was struck down along with the rest of the family.. My family. I watched as I had to kill them once they had turned.. I.. watched as I buried them, one… By… one…

One grave was left empty. A grave to this day remained to be filled. Though I hoped, I hoped and I prayed without end for her safe return. I grabbed the little that was left of us and searched for her days without end. But It was for nothing, we could not find her.. Dear Taylynn. I am sorry. I am sorry for the debt I will never be able to repay your family.. Our family.

But I will make it right. I will find you, I will bring you back, it doesn’t matter what it takes, even if I have to lay down my life. You will be back safe and sound.

I pray this is not a trick. I pray Garyn is right and she is alive. I pray on all that is holy this is not a farce. After everything I did to forget the pain and the memories. For his sake he had better be right.

For if he is wrong, and this is a trick. He will know retribution beyond his believe. He will know and feel the pain I have felt all this year.And he will find out just how deep the light can sear.

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Re: Compassion, patience, bravery.

#3 Post by Varric » Mon Sep 30, 2019 7:57 pm

Hypocrisy is a funny thing. We seem to constantly try to give advice, be there for others, even lay down our lives for them, yet why is it so hard to accept the same care back?

We go on time and time again always thinking our advice and actions are the best for other people but the moment the tables turn we isolate ourselves. Why is that? Why are we so scared to accept help but so willingly give it every… Time.

I am guilty for this and I know it well. I have tried to help and give advice to everyone, been there for them and I always knew they would do so for me too. But when it really came down to it, I assumed the best course of action would be not to involve anyone.

But it seems it wasn’t meant to be.

I should have guessed it really. I knew where I had dropped the letter but I was not expecting Rey to take it to other people and above all, Eileena. It’s like she knew the only person that would stop me from going on my mad man’s venture was going to be here.

I had prepared everything for my journey, I was not going to hang about. I gathered all my old belongings, everything I had when I was in northrend and I set off, not a word to anyone, hoping no one would follow me or try to stop me. I knew it It was a fool’s errand, one I might not come back from but I could not live with myself at least not trying.

That’s where I saw her. That was when I realized she was going to stop me, regardless of what I said or did. Eileena.

She sat by the boat, waiting for me, a backpack beside her. I dread to think how long she had been waiting there waiting for me and my stomach sank to my feet when I realized, she had been sat there for hours waiting to stop me.

No argument, no reasoning was good for her, she was set on not letting me go alone. As she blocked my path I knew in my mind I could have easily got past her, but was it worth it? I could not imagine harming her, neither physical nor mentally, I was not prepared to deal with the consequences. And so I agreed, I stayed but on the condition I would only have her perhaps one more with me to the meeting with the foul cousin. I needed with after all, wit to help me see through his deceiving lies, not intimidation or force. We agreed to set off after the meeting, but she pleaded me to ask the rest of Starlight for help. Strength in unity.

That night I sat by the docks, watching the lighthouse, knowing everyone was there. I longed to be there with them, everyone that had taken me in and made me feel at home. But I couldn’t. I did not have the courage to stand in front of everyone and ask for their help. I could not follow what I had told Eileena. I had waited, but I did not ask for the help I knew I needed, that I pretended time and again I did not need.

I saw Rey that night too. She like me was watching the Lighthouse and it seems something was plaguing her mind too. We all have our demons… I should have been mad at her for revealing my letter, yet there was no such emotion there. I was sad for her, and my first instinct was to tell her everything was fine and she didn’t have to worry. The hypocrisy hit me then, again. I found myself giving advice, thinking I knew what was best for her, when I myself was doing the same. Isolating myself from everything, trying to hide my pain.

She left in the end, I felt comfort in that. I watched her, making sure she had gone to the others and hoped they could help better than I did.

Regardless of my thoughts and my self-defence isolation, Starlight is family, Starlight is home.

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Re: Compassion, patience, bravery.

#4 Post by Varric » Thu Oct 10, 2019 5:36 am

Darkness. What does it feel like to be in the darkness? It is like a heavy blanket placed ontop of you, holding you down as it saps away your strength and your will. You know you should push it away, but yet you do not have the strength or will to do so. Instead you lay down with it, you allow it's whispers as they tell you everything is fine, you just need to stop fighting.

I thought I would find some respite and reconciliation when we ventured to northrend and rescued Tialynn,but I found nothing, in fact just the opposite.

She asks questions and says things, things I cannot answer. Things that dig deep, things that I spend so long trying to heal my mind from. I speak sweet and soft words for her and I constantly try to misdirect her away from what she wants to know. I feel I am not truthful with her, that I am misleading her into thinking everything is fine again. I do not feel like an honest man, just a con I am taking her along with.

I do not fault her. She wants answers that I have been searching for years yet I have never found the answer for. probably never will.

And then there is Eileena. I cannot bare to see her sacrificing herself for us, she barely sleeps or eats and is always there. I do not have the heart to dismiss her though. Her presence is comforting and Tialynn is making so much progress with her. But still I cannot shake this feeling of selfishness and guilt.

Tialynn told me I speak of Eileena as I did of Ilira. The disappointment in her face was evident as if she felt like I was betraying the memory of her sister. I do not hear it myself, but what if it's TRUE? What if my good memories of Ilira are gone and all I have left is the images of her death on repeat in my mind?

Everything is a blur. I feel my conviction, my will and my strength struggling to hold me. I feel my song distorted and broken. I feel my connection to the light slowly fading.

These are testing times and I know if I go too far, i will not return from this.

But for now, as I sit in this cold, dark and empty room. The light's warm and comfort does not fill me. Instead the heavy, cold and comforting blanket of darkness lays on me.

Perhaps I will stay here for now..

Perhaps... this is where I belong.

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Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2019 3:42 pm

Re: Compassion, patience, bravery.

#5 Post by Varric » Tue Dec 10, 2019 11:17 am

I often wonder whether sometimes a white lie would be better than full honesty, if perhaps for once saying something that could save people a long time of suffering is better than being honest with them. Yet I can’t seem to do that, I always find myself being honest, too honest and then I find myself in situations that could perhaps being avoided.

I met Eileena again. I never know what to feel when I see her. Part of me wants to walk away and safe us both any further pain that seems to come every time we speak, while the other part of me desperately want to go to her, to see and speak to her perhaps even hold her.

I find myself wishing now that she had just told me that white lie. That she did not return the feelings I had for her. I do not regret these feelings and yet I do. It is never simple and I don’t think that will ever change.

We spoke. Some good, some bad. But she finally opened up to me how she was feeling. A ghost, a name. Not the person she hoped to be for herself and for Starlight. I saw and felt her emotions pouring from her as well as the tears. I did not know how to comfort her, or soothe her as I myself feel the same way. All I can do is embrace the woman before me and try to give her advice that I am too hypocritical to follow. But it somehow helped her, I hoped. I don’t know how to help someone in the same situation as myself, especially when I cannot even help myself.

But I will not give up on her. I have promised her that much. I will not let her become a ghost.

We part after a while. I cannot bring myself to be close to her for too long as much as I miss her.

I understand however mine is self inflicted. I know mine is my own fault, my own path of self destruction. I have friends. People that repeatedly try to involve me in their lives. Anomen has asked me several times and even though I love him as if he was family and agree to his purpositions, and sweet Philias wanting to make me fat with his constant dinner invites. I find myself yet again locking myself away trying to escape reality.

I found a letter in my mailbox yesterday. I was not expecting it. A letter from Mirna. She could sleep and she had baked some cookies and was kind enough to send me some. Such an expected but kind gesture. They were delicious. I found myself smiling again, funny how such a small gesture can bring you happiness during dark times.

We agreed to meet for some tea.

Armed with a care package from Philias, pretty sure he is trying to tell me I have lost too muchweight or something I set off to meet her. It was pleasant, I never before had a chance to meet her properly, not without other people being around us. It’s always easier for me when I can talk to people alone, especially to try to find out more about them.

Seems like me she is hurting. And like me, perhaps she could have used the same white lie that I needed. She told me she preferred honesty though, regardless how much it pained her how cold it made her feel. It made me wonder if I was wrong after all, if honesty is indeed the best course.

Note to self, shove my foot up Anomen’s rear.

I hope I can somehow help her with her ice barrier problems. Though my knowledge of arcane is lacking at best, I think Anomen already helped her a great big deal with it since the things I tried to see if there would be any trigger had worked just fine.

It amazed me how different I felt after meeting her. How much more at ease I was. This one meeting changed so much in me in such a short time. Maybe this is what i been lacking, I realize this now. I hope I can meet her again soon, I would really like that.

At the meeting I hear something I was not expecting. Eileena had stood up and spoken of her troubles in front of everyone. I watched in admiration at her courage as she stood there and let the words flow. I was amazed. I don’t think I could find that kind of courage in me, perhaps it was my own pride getting in the way to say the words she had said. They awakened something in me, something that had laid dormant for a while.

Between Eileena’s brave words, and the time I spent with Mirna, I found the will to pick myself up again. To try to be better for everyone trying to help me and accept their help. I will be better. I will find the conviction and will I once had. Light wills it.

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