Thoughts before Dawn

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Thoughts before Dawn

#1 Post by Fioliea » Mon Sep 23, 2019 11:47 am

*And very old but fine looking journal lies open in the lap of the elven woman sitting on her bed. Some of the pages seems to wanting to spill out of the book and damp conditions and a lot of moving around has taken it toll on it. Only a few of the pages is filled with a neat tight handwriting.*

September 23.
Of all the things I owned, This old thing survives, It must have nesseled itself in the bottom of the pack I grabbed before our hastened departure for Lorder'nel.
Well. I guess it is something familiar, and I will not have to invest in a new. Journaling used to help me with my thoughts. So maybe it will now as well.
I have just unpacked my belongings in the room Anomen have offered me. It is a nice change for the tent. Though the guilt gnaws at me for accepting, I am not the only one in need of a warm place to stay for the coming winter. But it just means that I will have to work harder for the rest of my people who are not so fortunate to have friends as I.
It is a very big an empty room, this whole house seem very empty. I understand that he wants some life here.

I spoke with Eileena and what she will be needing me for. A lot of what will be going on during this assault I disagree with strongly. The arson, the getting Anomen to use powers he should not, I do not like using Eileenas mind this way without protection. I am aware that he is a thread, and people more informed than I have made a decision that he must be gone. But in that, to fall to his level, to use dishonest means to gain an edge…
I have told Eileena that I will stand by her and not second guess her now. But I have voiced my concerns and will do so afterwards as well. There might be grim consequences to those actions and I hope she will be ready to deal with that.
I am commited and will aid as well as I can. And I hope this will give us peace. Goddess knows we need it.

Now the sun rises, and I will attempt to sleep. Goddess willing it their faces will not haunt me during my slumber.


Her sister wore a wide, excited grin on her face as the ship shot across the waters towards Lorder'nel. Ribbons of silvery white and blue streamed behind her from her intricate updone hair. The younger woman had always been a bit of a peacock in her obsession with fineries. But the two had always been a team. Dorealia with her charms and with Fiolieas political finesse, they had worked together for centuries to achieve the positions they both held within the sisterhood now.

The ash and smoke stung her eyes and made them water more than the pain. A little away a big tree had fallen, A pool of blood spreading from underneath the scorched wood. The only hint that a person had once stood where the big trunk now lay, was a silverwhite and blue ribbon soaking in the blood and ashes on the ground.
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Thoughts before Dawn

#2 Post by Fioliea » Tue Sep 24, 2019 11:54 pm

September 25.
A lot of people seem to disregard danger.
Anomen, Rey, even Sir Hayhurst jumping at the chance to tell Morrigan that she is alright.
I do not believe I think she is. I rather believe her when she says that there was a reason for what Nomine did to her, if he did… I do not know. All I know is that she is dangerous and some choose not to see. But am I not doing the same? Choosing not to see?
I rightly do not know these people and I have already compromised and sacrifice on their behalf. And am going to do so again. And I am willing to… But why?
To encourage them to be better, was that something along the lines of what Lia said? That they were good people but sometimes needs to be reminded that where is another option. Can I?

Sir Hayhurst have offered me a salve to dull the pain in my leg. I hope it will help me when I go back to darkshore, I get nauseated by the potions with time. He is a kind soul.
Five days, then back to war. I will leave the stone I am going to need the focus. I just hope that I do not return to something that will make me regret that decision.
If I return. I can not think on that now. I need a clear head for tomorrow.

Goddess give me strength.


”Your excitement is unbecoming Priestess” Came the dark voice of the female druid behind the sisters.
Emeranzia was a stern looking and looming figure standing behind the smaller and brighter Dorealia. They were each others counterpart. And they worked well together for many years now.
"Come on Emma, it is going to be glorious! We get a chance to beat the banshess bitch back to the whole the crawled out off!"

She could not move without pain shooting through her leg and torso. she had a hard time breathing. every breath causing her to cough, and every cough would smear her lips and bringing the bitter taste of iron to her mouth. Looking down in panic she could see the collapsed glaivethrower that was pinning her to the ground crushing her leg under its weight. along with the long black feathered shaft that was protruding from her ribcage.
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Thoughts before Dawn

#3 Post by Fioliea » Thu Sep 26, 2019 11:50 am

*The pages are stained with tears, smearing the ink here and there, the otherwise steady handwriting srembeling*

September 26.
Everyone here has someone they care more for, someone they are willing to sacrifice others for.
And so, I am spent.
Eillena send me off. Believing I had the strength. I could barely stand.
I should not blame her.
Off to help Morrigan. A woman, I am sure, despises me and everything I stand for. And whos aid, I probably can not count on, should I ever need it.
She tell me I am in no shape to help. I tell her to mind her own.
Chit turns me away.
I spend the last I got on this Keetee, Heartfang?. Another beloved.
But still there is more. Another in need. And all I can do is give her the dignity to move by herself by offering my staff.

I should feel the thrill of victory, but I only feel defeat. To have been brought so low by my own demons used against me. It was stupid of me to open up to Eileena like that but it had to be done, I had to show her that she could trust me. Showing her depths of me that I shun from myself. That I would lay myself bare for her if she would do the same. I knew someone might be watching, but I was not ready for it to be used like that.
I thought I was moving on, but seeing their faces again. Reminding me of my failure… Burning… My son, his skin ravaged by flames… Goddess my heart.

At times I feel the ages, those that divides us, but more so when I am forced to show vulnerability.
Sir Hayhurst tried, bless his heart, to comfort me. Should I have stayed in him arm, sought the comfort? But no. It was not done and so I rose and went to Eileena.
I should not be vulnerable.
I grew up long side the great trees. Their seeds planted as I came into this world. I have lived for millennia, surely strength and wisdom is granted with such age.
But everyone can break.
And they do not know my pain. How could they.

I am both deeply embarrassed and I praise the Goddess for sending him when she did. I had nothing left, and seeing Illitired standing there all of a sudden and the comfort I feel with him, started the flow of my tears again.
A Priestess of Elune, A once great mind and councilor of the Kal’dori Nation sobbing like a child.
I got nothing left to give, and All dignity gone, I asked him to carry me home.


“It is a boy.” A baby's screams,
A child's laughter.
A young man's gentle: “Mother.”

Choking smoke, the scent of burning wood over water.
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Thoughts before Dawn

#4 Post by Fioliea » Sat Sep 28, 2019 6:44 pm

September 28.
It almost broke me apart, why did it hurt so.
I needed to talk to Rey, to make sure she was alright, to tell how sorry I was for hurting her. Maybe I should have expected her distrust, but it hit me clean, in a place that was already bruised.

I did not mind that Anomen was there, but I was not aware that he would be. Like a guardian against… Me?
It was a hard conversation that started on a off note. And somehow the conversation turned to be about me. They caring about how I felt. The whole thing started off completely sideways from what I had thought, and it took all my experience and fitness to turn it around.
To make her relax and understand that she had done nothing wrong, that we all fail and that we knew the risk of what we were doing. To make her trust that I was there to help and to make her talk just a little. To start mending.
She will not see it. Still blaming herself.
How can I blame her.

I told her that she was allowed her feelings, but she should not let them consume her.
Hypocrite. I can say the words, I have thousands of years of experience to make it seem like conviction. And maybe I do. For her, and for everybody else, I wish them to be true. But I understand her pain. I understand a pain so deep that giving in to it would be a release.
But I must not.

Tikal convinced me to take another charge when I leave for the war again, he will have me moved a redeployed on a warship set for darkshore instead of on the ground.
He managed to anger me. I am worn thin and he got under my skin, stupid man, But he is right. I might be able to do my work on the ground but the ship will provide the opportunity for more rest.


Fioliea let her hand glide over the silvery wood of her bow. A smile touching her lips over the argument that had started between Her sister and the Druid. The cold sea air cooling her nerves. She thought of Her Mate and Son still in the capital, helping with preparing the evacuations should things go wrong on the shore.

A sound from within the billowing smoke. A Huge hulking shape was moving in her direction, she panicked, struggling to get her pinned leg out from under the Glaive thrower, The pain of it making her Cry out. The Cry was echoed by the shape in the smoke, a long haunted feline moan. The Big black nightsaber slumped out of the smoke, Arrows jutting out of it huge form and it collapsed amongst the shattered pieces of silvery wood strewn on the ground. Beside her one last attempt of protection.
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#5 Post by Fioliea » Mon Sep 30, 2019 10:17 pm

October 1.
I have always been good at control, but I was not always this forgiving. And I begin to understand why.
It hurts more.
Because you do not seldom have to forgive someone that has not wronged you.
Should I have screamed at Anomen? Told him just how hurt I was? That all I had heard from him was that he had turned to someone else for help, and then nothing?
No. what would that have accomplished? He was sorry and I know he did not do so on purpose.
I refuse to take offense if offense is not ment. It is a waste of my time and energy. But that does not mean I will not voice my displeasure if I felt a sting.
It is a hard balance.

The ship was a good ide. After tonight I am more raw then I had imagined. The waking of Lia with Tikal, the request from her afterwards, handing over the charm to Morrigan, the meeting, seeing Ray so upset. I was glad she sat by me. I do not hope she realizes how much I needed that as well. Then a long talk with Lumi, Nomine, and Anomen.
Then Chit. She has good ideas. I hope we can get something working when I return.
Then a short trip to the park which started off well. Then went sideways as well. Partly my fault I reckon.
Diplomacy, patience… patience.

I have not spoken to Eileena since. I am afraid I will not have the time to before I go… I am incredibly saddened and ashamed by this. She deserved that I tried to get in contact. But I fear the memories.
Maybe I should write her a letter before I leave.

Some time away, to get my thoughts in order.

Nomime spoke to me about my leg the other day, not asking how I was feeling or say that I had just to ask if I needed anything. No telling me that we needed to look at it… and me. No use arguing. He knows well, it seems, how it looks when you hide in plain sight, hiding you hurts behind a pleasant smile and a helpful hand.
I do not like that mirror, to many dissimilarities, to many shadows to reveal a full image.


“Dorealia! We need to fall back. We are being overrun here!”
Fioliea called up, a protective shield just as wolly of arrows hammered into it. Then a swing from a large axe making her stagger and stumble a few steps backwards, her shield wavering. Before a blinding light blasted the enemy away from her.
The operator of the glaivethrower beside her had fallen to another wolly, Then the sound of the straining and breaking of wood, something big and heavy flying through the air, shimmering, burning.
An arrow caught her in the chest, sending her to the ground, she looked up, just as the big tree started falling to the ground.

The smoke kept billowing around her and she coughed again, she could hear the unsteady breathing of the big animal beside her. She heard a distant sound, not able to place its origin she turned her head just as the smoke parted in front of her, granting her a clear view out over the sea.
Weather a symbol of hope or hybris Tendrasill towered out in the middle of the sea and it stood ablaze. The flames licking up against it a rising impossibly high into the night sky.
She would cry out but blood loss pain and fatigue was beginning to make the world go dark around her. She heard the great beast beside her breath out in a long heavy exhale and then silence. She fell into darkness and the last thing she was was a dark looming figure standing over her.
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#6 Post by Fioliea » Wed Oct 23, 2019 8:18 pm

October 21.
What have you gotten me into Rey. This poor boy. He is sleeping now, and I am here to make sure it stays like that throughout the night, what is it? The third, forth? Night now? I have already lost track of time.
I do not know why I am so devoted to this? But See the love in this family and the gratitude of this Wonderful wise and kind man.
I feel a purpose here, I know I should feel guilty, Spending so much on my time here, as well as my thoughts of leaving the war efforts.
Goddess. Have I lost my trust in you? I can not leave my people but here I am standing in front of this man, with such a love for his children, How can i leave him? His children? When I can help, when I can make this difference. He trusts me to. They all do. And I have promised to stay. While my people are dying in an attempt to reclaim our Land.
Goddess Show me that this is your will.
These people you have put in my way? Are they my charge? Is it prideful of me to think that they need me? Or is it I that need them?

Eileena… we are so hellbent it seems, on helping the other that we tie an almost untangleable knot every time we try. Though it seems to me you win every time. I am so ashamed. Crying in your arms makes me feel secure… How can i keep doing this to you knowing you have so much weight on your shoulders as is. You promise me you will call on me to. I dearly want to hold you too. I hope that you will let me.

And Nomine… I am still working though our last conversation… Somehow I am still not sure of the extent of what I have agreed to. Though I am not sure if it matters. He did not need an answer he honestly had not needed to ask at all… But why then? To gaze my reaction? I will see i reckon.

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#7 Post by Fioliea » Sat Nov 02, 2019 5:25 pm

October 31
I hurt him and he lashed out. Of course he did. But it hurt me. And he knew those words would hit home. He apologized. I forgive him. But just like with Rey and Syrawenn, my trust in them have taken a hit. It will mend in time. But right now the wound is still raw, all around. He is still allowing me to be there when he meets with Arius, I am happy for that.

It pushed me more than I had imagined it would. And I overextended myself, misjudged my caberability and fell asleep on my vigel. Praise the Goddess nothing happened, but It could have gone bad. I believe Philip was the one to bring me to bed. It must say something about my state that I was not woken by this. How shameful.

I apologized to him today. Of course he would hear none of it and instead told me to take shorter watches, use the amulet more and divide the time between the three of us more evenly. I agree. I have shown that I am unaware of my limitations lately and it much not come to harm my patient.

And then he made me breakfast. It felt nice. But maybe too familiar. Unprofessional even. We have talked a lot during the nights he has kept me company in watching over Florian, It have not hurt so much opening up to him a bit.
And then I spoke his name. A name I even now have a hard time writing, even thinking on, without a dark cloud of pain enveloping me. But back there it did not hurt the same. It sounded strange to me, like my tongue had forgotten how to probably form the sounds. I tasted odd, like a taste longe forgotten, sweet but with a sour and stinging note.

Nomine is back as well. I thought i would be happy for it, but I am not sure if I am. Something in the things he said to me over the stone, gives me pause. I think I see. The question is, what do I do now?
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#8 Post by Fioliea » Thu Nov 14, 2019 1:18 pm

November 9
Goddess grant me strength!
I should not lose it like that. But blood and ashes Rey! This recklessness Is going to get the both of us killed. I am exhausted and at the end of my rope as it is and then this?

Patience Priestess.
It is a virtue. She believes she is doing this for me too. I believe that she believes that. But I also believe that she has little regard for the consequences of the people around her. However limited her understanding, she tried to do good by me and the people around her, remember the intention.
I am sorry Rey. I hope you understand my reasons for reacting like I did. But I fear you will not. I Hope that you will understand that the consequences of your actions do not always befall you.

Nomine helped me rinse Rey’s blood off of my hands. A curious moment.
I asked him to speak to me about who I might call on for help. He mentioned the same people as Syra, adding Ana however. The distrust Rey have managed to build up around herself hinder me in this though.
He purposed an, if not alternative then help. ̶A̶ ̶d̶e̶v̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶t̶s̶. It sounds promising and would help greatly in lowering the amount of people I will have to worry about when Rey’s plan comes to flurision.

Leg is getting worse. Ever since our encounter with the machine gnomes it has bothered me more than it used to. My joint is stiffer and the pain in my thigh come faster now when walking. It of course worsen as well the more energy I spend and the more tired I get. The salve help however.
This is one of the things that, I am sure, would be pointed out as one of those issues where, I should stop acting like a wounded animal and let those around me help. But pride have ever been my vice, and I fear the procedure without my sisters here to perform it.

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Thoughts before Dawn

#9 Post by Fioliea » Sun Nov 24, 2019 12:23 pm

November 21

Oh fragile heart, seize you quiver.

I knew my believe in Elune kept me going, I did not realize to what degree.
I felt hopeless, helpless, Dead. like on the shores watching my world burn.
But even then she was there, ready to carry me on.
I have always been devoted and felt a strong connection to the Goddess, and feeling the emptiness it left without her… I do not know how long it lasted, seconds? Minutes? Hours?
My trust in the people around me tell me it can not have been long, but I believe a second more would have torn me apart.

I thank the goddess Ana was there. I am grateful for her. Philias as well. Him escorting me to make sure I was safe was reassuring.

The talk with Philip did not turn out as I had planned. I should not have gone to him right after. Why in the world did I believe that that was a good idea. But I had to inform him of what I planned to put him though. So that he might make a decision by himself.
He agreed. I am both incredibly happy that he did and somehow frustrated. I do not want to put anyone through this, ever, but it is the best way to protect him.

I should have realized that Ravian got his stubbornness from somewhere. Goddess man, why could you not just let it go? I have not been removed from making a fool of myself from time to time but this must surely take the prize. There was no reason he should have been informed of my feelings, they are my problem, not his, why did he have to be so insistent? But it is out there now I guess.

It makes little difference, I will finish my work here, make sure they are safe, and then I will leave. I will have no reason to stick around, and that is for the best.

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Re: Thoughts before Dawn

#10 Post by Fioliea » Mon Dec 09, 2019 12:59 pm

December 8.


I think Nomine should have kept some of his opinions to himself, but I do not believe he had Ill intent with it. But I was not the only one he made uncomfortable with his comment.
Maybe i should have said something. Maybe it was expected of me? I do not know. Did not expect it to happen and with everyone's eyes on me i froze…
Am I happy, But maybe I am too tired to be excited.

There were no celebrating, maybe I should have asked people around for something to drink? Was that what Anomen did when he became a member?
Instead I sat with Ana and Lia and spoke a bit before returning to my Vigle. I think we share a lot of views Ana and I, I am looking forward to exploring where we disagree as well. I am very comfortable in her company I will try my best to spend more time with her.

I am glad that Eileena spoke up. And I am glad she took my words to heart. I will not take credit for her thoughts on the matter, but I can not help but feel a bit of pride, in that my persuasive abilities have not suffered as great a blow as my self esteem.

I also spoke to Varric, I am not sure how to help him. I think he need to be confirmed in that he is a great and wonderful man as he is and that he can find purpose in the small things as well, I am just not yet sure how.

I had a lovely little talk with Philias as well. I am very fond of him, As well as Ellbry, It kindles warmth in everyone around them seeing how they shine together. I am blessed to witness it.

Had a fight with Syrawenn, but as this, for once is a positive entry I will not go into details, But fire and brimstone that woman can push my buttons. But she also makes something clear for me. And that is how they expect me to react.

And there is no use in fighting that…

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