Mirna's Notebook

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Sehlanna
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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#11 Post by Sehlanna » Mon Oct 21, 2019 7:02 am

It's strange. The days just fly by. And sometimes I don't even remember what I have been doing. I suppose it has just been an uneventful day.

I have this feeling that I have forgotten something. Something important.

I just know that I am close to a breakthrough. Soon I'll be able to be close to someone without worrying I'll hurt them.

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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#12 Post by Sehlanna » Tue Oct 22, 2019 6:24 am

It's odd to see that my last entry came true. There has been a breakthrough. And oh so much more. It started with that I heard Anomen over the stone and I could sense that something was wrong, and he didn't want to talk about it over the stone so we met by the Lion's Rest, like we have several times now. He looked injured, and quite sad and then he started to shake, and I just instinctively went to him to hold him in my arms. And hugged him. And nothing happened. I didn't even think about it until he asked me how I was able to do it. I was just lost holding him, feeling him breathe, feeling his scent. He tensed up and I let go of him, and that was when he asked me how I had done it. And I don't know. We speculated that it was because I was worried about him and didn't have time to think about it. I just wanted to help him, console him.

Syra had broken up with him. And oh light, I did feel sad for him, I did. But also... my foolish heart! I shouldn't have felt joy. I shouldn't! And it wasn't joy exactly... just excitement. And hope. More hope. And he said that we should inspect this finding further. We hugged a second time, and my ice barrier didn't pop up this time either. And he said that whenever I wanted I could get more hugs from him. What does it mean?! What?! I asked him if he meant just for the experiment, and his reply makes me think that maybe it can be more? Can it? But Syra and him have just broken up. I can't just swoop in like a dire condor on its prey. It isn't right. Right? But what should I do? Should I be honest with him? I don't even know what to say, how to tell him. He says I can tell him anything. I don't know. I'm so confused. What if this would just hurt him more? He said I had made him feel better. Maybe it's like the speech Ana held at the meeting last night. Things had begun to go out of hand, a lot of upset people and even anger, and then she spoke of giving and taking, of helping each other. Her speech really pulled at my heartstrings, and made me think of what had just happened, and the past weeks when I've been so focused on me. On my problems. I hadn't thought about the others and what they might need. But just when I did, when I focused on Anomen so completely, I was able to give something to him, and he gave something to me as well. It wasn't me just wanting something from him. He asked for help, maybe not in so many words, but he needed someone, and I was there.

I hadn't even planned to go to the guild meeting, but when he asked, I wanted to go. To be some sort of support to him, if Syra was there. He felt distant during the meeting, and there was a lot of upset emotions during the meeting, so I understand it. Guildmembers attacking each other. A member entering other people's minds. The guild isn't that safe place that Jasdevi spoke of. Thankfully Ana spoke, and I think her words gave everyone something to think about. I spoke with her after the meeting and I felt I wanted to give her something, to help her. She said that she wanted me to get to know Nyleria, a new member. Ana thinks that Nyleria might have gotten the wrong idea about who Starlight is and she wanted someone nice to show her another side of the guild. Yes, she did say that I was nice! I felt very happy about that. So of course I will do what she asked. Not because she said I was nice, but because of her speech. Reaching out to others. Helping others. I also helped Ana then and there by talking about reading to the orphans in Stormwind. It reminded her of when she had done the same to the orphans in Shattrath, and she realised that that would make her feel happier if she did it now. A lot of good feelings to end the bad ones at the guild meeting.

Anomen went and spoke with Varric after the meeting, I hope they had a good talk. I had hoped to see him later, but I was busy with the orphans, and when I was done, I didn't want to disturb him. And my mind was racing so I needed to put down my thoughts in my notebook, to try and sort it out. It has helped some, but I still don't know if I should follow my heart. I don't know if I dare. Might be too soon. And Syra is quite... intimidating.

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Sehlanna
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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#13 Post by Sehlanna » Tue Oct 22, 2019 11:01 am

The freezing problem

Why didn't it set off when I hugged Ano?
1. I was worried about him.
2. I wanted to console him.
3. I hugged HIM, and not the other way around.

I was able to hug him a second time. And this time again I initiated the hug. I wasn't focused on consoling him. But I was still a little worried about him.

What to try next: Have him hug me. But be ready for it. And also try when I'm not ready for it.

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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#14 Post by Sehlanna » Wed Oct 23, 2019 9:02 am

Why did I have to run into Syra at the orphanage? Why does she have to be such a nice person to help the kids the way she does? I almost told her. In my mind I was forming questions to ask her, but I didn't say them. I was trying to ask for her permission. But I saw how she was hurting. And I've seen how Anomen is hurting. And I'm not the kind of person who would go after a man who is hurting from a recent break up. Especially now that I know more about Syra. And like she said I'm his friend first.

If I hadn't met Syra, and talked with her, and said I'd help more with the kids, then it would have been different. But things are as they are.

Maybe he'll never know how I feel. Maybe he'll fall in love with someone else. But at least we'll be friends.

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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#15 Post by Sehlanna » Thu Nov 14, 2019 11:47 am

We kissed. And it was glorious. I still feel all warm from it. I don't remember the last time my hands were this warm. I wonder if...

Yes! I was able to create fire! With no effort at all. I haven't been able to do that before. I've always been attuned to frost magic and struggled with fire, but now...

I can't believe I told him how I feel. His first reaction made me regret it. I thought he was going to give me the let-her-down-easy-speech, it's not you it's me, it's too soon, but instead he asked to kiss me. And oh, his eyes! The pale blue glow was gone, and all I could see were his beautiful green eyes. Looking back at me, and then our lips met and oh light... I wanted that moment to last forever.

He said he would have to think about how he feels, but promised not to keep me waiting too long. I think he feels something. The kiss felt like he did.

I will try to distract myself so I won't think too much on it. Whatever happens happens. And there is no point worrying about it now.

I will always remember. My first kiss.

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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#16 Post by Sehlanna » Tue Dec 03, 2019 3:53 pm

How I wish he hadn't said he returned my feelings. I was so happy for a few moments. So very happy.

Now it just hurts and I feel cold.

Light it hurts.

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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#17 Post by Sehlanna » Thu Dec 05, 2019 9:27 am

I had a good talk with Rey. She doesn't seem to see herself as wise, but she had a lot of wisdom to share, and I am glad that she took the time to share it with me. We spoke of love and hurt and other things, and she looks to be my age, but she has experienced so many things that I haven't. I feel like an immature girl in comparison. Have I lived a sheltered life? Perhaps I have, but I will work on that.

The ice barrier may still be a problem, and now I don't have Ano to test it with. I don't want to try it on just random people, I still want to feel safe with the person I do it with. Not sure how I'll be able to find someone now.

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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#18 Post by Sehlanna » Fri Dec 06, 2019 7:02 am

Phil is just the sweetest person ever. He came to keep me company and we talked, he brought some really nice tea and worked on one of his plushies. He gave me a lot to think about. I don't think that I am a love more than one person girl. Of course I can love several people, but not like love-love. I want there to be someone that I can share my life with. To feel safe with. To feel like I'm the only one that they will ever love. And I want this someone to feel the same. To feel special. And loved.

Varric joined us after a while, and he has had love trouble as well. Much worse than I have. I wonder if the married woman is who I think it is. I've seen how he looks at her. I wonder if she knows.

I feel a little bad about joking and teasing, but it felt good to feel a little lighter than I have the past few days.

I would have liked to stay and talk more, because Ellbry, the love of Phil's life, and Lumi came around, but it was getting late, and I haven't been sleeping that well.

Oh, and there was this Kaldorei called Necrea that came and sat with us for a little bit. I wonder how she lost her voice. If she ever has had one. What would it be like if I could never speak again? I think I'd rather lose my voice than my eyesight. I'm not sure what I'd pick between hearing and speaking though. Most of the time you can't speak that well when you lose your hearing though. And between hearing and seeing, that is a tough one. I am so grateful that I can do it all.

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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#19 Post by Sehlanna » Mon Dec 09, 2019 7:25 am

(sloppily written notes)

Strength and haste
Enchanted clothes
Something to make her feel less scared
Florian connected to the sleeper
Rey can lure sleeper with dance
Fio will keep the line open
Trap sleeper in mask
Fio protect Florian
Make Rey more open?
Sleeper come through her
Protect Ravian
With my life
Something to help her remember
Tell Ravian about our plans afterwards

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Sehlanna
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Re: Mirna's Notebook

#20 Post by Sehlanna » Mon Dec 09, 2019 2:34 pm

So I was able to test my ice barrier problem with Varric. We held hands and it was fine. He touched my cheek and it was fine too. But both times I was ready for it. He is a very kind and gentle man, and I feel safe with him. So I don't think I was that surprised that my ice barrier didn't pop up. We had a chance to talk before the guildmeeting, and we had cookies. So many cookies, both him and I had brought boxes. I'm glad he liked mine, and wanted some even after I had already sent him some. I'm glad that I haven't been able to sleep and have been baking cookies instead.

I try to focus on the things that I am happy about. Just anything. Little things or big. I know I am childish to want to tell Ano to shut up when I hear him over the stone, but I acknowledge those feelings, I just don't have to act on them. He has right to his feelings just like I have right to mine. I am not angry with him for not loving me enough, but I am angry about the way he told me. I still prefer knowing the truth. I think. Or maybe I don't. Varric and Eileena have been honest with eachother and I can imagine how painful it must be. My situation isn't as bad as Varric's, and yet we focused mostly on talking about me. It did help to talk with him, so I am grateful. I hope that he can find a way to move forward, and I hope I can too.

The freezing problem
How to test it further?
Ask Varric to touch me by surprise? Like grab hold of my arm or something.

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