Light and darkness

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Re: Light and darkness

#51 Post by Eileena » Mon Oct 14, 2019 3:18 pm

Pushing and pulling, like the waves that shield me.
We found Tialynn, but she is yet to find herself. Much time is spent at sir Hayhurst's house. He has set traps around it, as if this would stop a larger group. Yet he will not speak to Starlight about the perceived threat. He is so used to solving his own matters that he may have forgotten that this problem is greater than Garynn alone. This man is most probably the one who sent the troops in the first place. He will do so again, undoubtedly.
Yet when I try to get him to accept support, he shows a great need to be self sufficient. I suspect he has something to prove to himself.
Perhaps to Tialynn.

It is hard for me to understand why one would turn down support when it is available. Starlight is already involved. Varric is one of us. We would be more efficiently done with this if he would realize that. Yet I cannot force that understanding upon him. I fear he may be blinded because of his vows to end this himself.
The difference between the man Garynn or a mass of his troops is forgotten.
This worries me.

I promised I will not stand between him and Garynn. I have not promised anything about any men who might be sent to finish the job they could not finish before. Stormwind is a relatively safe place, the house is under some protection. Yet will it be enough to stop them? How desperate would Garynn be? I will not risk Varric or Tialynn over this.
Nothing has happened so far.
When need be, I will ask for the assistance sir Hayhurst cannot accept yet.
When need be, I will risk his fury.
Anything better than to loose the man or the one he was so desperate to save.

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Re: Light and darkness

#52 Post by Eileena » Tue Oct 15, 2019 8:24 pm

After all is said and done it all comes down to what we choose to act on. We may feel what we feel, confusion may rule, but decisions need to be made consciously. There is no excuse for slipping up when it comes to the heart.
I have told Chit of one other who expressed a soft spot. She advised me to steer clear of any companion for at least a year.

I do not think I can.
I will make mistakes.
I must know.

And so I walk towards Nomine to speak with him beyond the dance of words, beyond what one would want to hear.
I aim for the words I may not wish to hear, so I will know where I stand.
I aim at the initiative, so I will no longer have to wait.
I fail
For he kisses me first.

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Re: Light and darkness

#53 Post by Eileena » Thu Oct 17, 2019 6:51 pm

A second kiss followed only days later.
At least it proves it was not an impulse per sé.
To stand there, his arm around me, is to feel back into the fold. I do so hope we will stay removed from his fortune cookie wisdom and will speak on equal terms again. So many points where I still need to find a way to reconnect. I wish to go back to the time where we spoke of feelings as well as plans, where fears were an accepted part of our partnership and we worked through them together. No, I do not wish to go back. I wish to find it again. I wish to hear of his shadows as well as work on mine. I want to know him, feel him.

I have told him there is progress.
There is.
There are ways of dealing with unwanted thoughts and fears. One of these ways is by reaching out to help others come to grips with their shadows. One of these people is once again sir Hayhurst.
I am unsure how he came to share his burdens so swiftly upon meeting. I never noticed how our conversations lifted him up until he jokingly asked me if I charged by the hour.
And yet the words held so much.
It sounded like he was crawling out of a pit of isolation, finally open to the possibility of a world where he may sleep at ease and wake all rested, a world where people can live instead of survive.

Now that I am helping him with Tialynn I see another side of him. Many of his old worries burden him again, it seems, the resurfacing of this girl reminding him forcefully of the woman he lost. It is painful to hear him suffer through this. Yet it is hopeful to hear him help Tialynn up. Together they will find a way to find a place for their terrible losses. There is no better way than to share this with one who understands.

One who understands.
Nomine understands the situation from both sides. He has been a captive as well as the captor. Yet his words do not touch the heart of the matter. Maybe this is his self defense mechanism. Or maybe none has thought to find out. Maybe he has been succesful at keeping questions at bay, building his fences, stack upon stack.
Is he still there.
I should think so.
But maybe he is less outspoken about what is broken or what is whole.

One who understands.
Varric has made it clear what situation he comes out of. He realizes he is still battling the shadows and is on the crossroads that Nomine must have felt as well. Will he move on, trying to place his horrors in the daylight where people will reach out for him? Or will he descend into that pit again if too much happens to rekindle those shadows?
But he speaks of it.
And touches upon my fears.
The man has dispelled any possibility of an imprint being left behind, not appalled by my sudden brush with another intruder and subsequent shock reaction. He has taken great care to respect my privacy.
Yet now he knows of my personal shadows.
My own pit.
He would guide me out, like I tried to help him.

Nomine is willing to cut the shadows, but can I help him?

It is still my choice and I will continue on my path.
But I sense different connections.
Different paths.

One who understands.
Gods, I think I understand.

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Re: Light and darkness

#54 Post by Eileena » Wed Oct 30, 2019 11:13 am

When finally we may have our chance, Nomine is called away.
I know these calls. They are not to be ignored.
He would get them on a regular basis back when Stormwind was still whole.
Yet this time is different.
This time I feel it in my stomach.
Fear of the world deciding to take him away this time.
Fear never to be able to move beyond the shield of wordings.

I go back to my tasks. There is nothing I can do otherwise. Tialynn is progressing. She is finding her footing in a world she has long forgotten, but the girl is strong minded. She remembers. She copes. She cries. She fights.

Sir Hayhurst is working with her every day, getting her back into habits she used to love, hoping to somehow spark the memory of what is still there instead of focusing on what has been lost. We speak on a regular basis.
Not always about Tialynn.
He is a guide to more than one.
Strength and kindness.

Yet suddenly there is anger and frustration after I bring news of an unexpected meet: Garynn Seabourne in a manner not to be refused. Having his men bring me in was unpleasant, yet to speak with this man on equal terms was not so bad. He expects Tialynn back in two weeks. I have told him we will reconvene in three to decide if she is able to return home in the fourth week. He is very insistent.
Yet, so am I.
He threatens with his position as her guardian.
I counter with my position as the healer on the scene.
He speaks of legal matters.
I know my rights, as well as hers while she is my patient.
And she will remain my patient until I deem it safe for her to return.
This will not be while Seabourne holds the house.
But that I do not mention.

Two weeks.
He must be planning something in two weeks, then. Perhaps he is arranging for power to be shifted to him indefinitely. It is interesting to hear him prod about Tialynn coming home sooner than I feel is comfortable while at the same time he tries to get me to admit she is a lost case.
She is not.
And so I do not. I speak of progress and of time needed to balance the mind. I know of this intimately, but this too I will not mention. It is enough for him to know that my experiences as a healer tell me so.

Varric is upset.
Madly so.
He disagrees with me informing Nomine, afraid he will be cheated out of taking Garynn out. I think he underestimates Nomine, though. If anything he might find a way for Varric to get his chance without ending up in jail for it.
But I do not get through to him.
He will not hear of it.
Unfortunately there too I must insist.
For Nomine nor Starlight will accept it if I am 'invited' again by Seabourne without them being able to counter it because I never have told them. It would be a grave mistake, one that might cost me or others grievously.

It is strange. After the long talk to Varric when Rey had touched my mind I feel more at ease, more myself. I know better than to assume all is well, but there is a foundation to go from. I am grateful to him for that. I am also grateful for his honesty.
For now I know.
There is more than a soft spot.
And I know
There would be a chance if I would allow it.
Yet I will not.
My feelings may be conflicted, but this might also be on account of the situation. As long as I do not have an honest chance to invest in Nomine, I cannot expect anything back from him either. There is no way I can compare these men fairly. They are too different, both so close.

Please return safely.
Let us finish what we started.
I do not wish to look elsewhere until we both agree it is no use.
I do not wish to agree on that as long as we have not gotten to try.
In order to try, you have to return.
Hear me, then.
Come back.
See me.

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Re: Light and darkness

#55 Post by Eileena » Fri Nov 01, 2019 8:29 pm

Just like that he is back.
It is a cold welcome, with Lumi away, Rey getting back on her feet and a strong discussion on right and wrong. I get a chance to show him he has been missed. Unfortunately I have to follow it up with another burden: the story of Seabourne. He agrees on my observations, adds some possible conclusions. So many paths that may lead to so many outcomes.

Tonight however sees two people who are tired of their work and who seek comfort in each other's company. He moves more than I do. It wakes me up. I have felt the recent healing strands in his body. A lot has happened.
He has not told

I want him to know I am here for him.
A soft hand on his shoulder, aware it may wake him and harm me.
I am here.
He sleeps on.
The touch accepted.
Maybe I can lighten his dreams where I cannot yet in his waking hours.

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Re: Light and darkness

#56 Post by Eileena » Tue Nov 05, 2019 7:17 am

Anadelonbrin, such a beautiful woman you are.
To ask me how I am, to ask beyond the veil and pose your questions to further the story...there is much wisdom in you, much kindness. You understand the cruelty of isolation, of what it does to one who lives by connecting.
Yes, of course you would guess the situation with sir Hayhurst. You of all people, who sees more. Thank you for your trust, for having faith in what will be decided.
Thank you for the offer to Nomine. I hear your words. I hear all the possibilities you create with this. I have to ensure this is something you wish for yourself as well, not just for others. Your answer shows dedication and love, as well as a wish for yourself.
I hope the offer will be taken seriously.
I think it might indeed be the right path for you.
And maybe it will help me on mine.
Time for Nomine.
Time for us.

Anadelonbrin, Heartfang, Heartbalm.

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Re: Light and darkness

#57 Post by Eileena » Sun Nov 17, 2019 2:11 pm

High expectations are something to strive for. It lifts up the heart and mind and works on possibilities rather than impossibilities.
Yet sometimes the mountain may be too high or perhaps the energy too low.
I am not certain.
Yet it is quite clear I am fumbling at the foot of said mountain with no idea of where the path is.

After the talk with Anadelonbrin I was so certain I was able to move on, to speak heart to heart with Nomine, to connect to others. Yet connections are fleeting, I have not dared speak openly with Nomine and I am certain of nothing.
Tialynn asked me what I was afraid of. We spoke of silence. I seem to be creating my own silence right now, something I did not expect. Emptiness is gathering. Somewhere I know this is the way of things. I realize this is part of the pattern after coming back to the fold.

It is not a good place to be, this emptiness. I should be reaching out, to Nomine at the very least. Yet I find myself in hiding, like a coward. This is not what he expects of me.
This is not what I expect of me.
It is not the shadows of Fennelwald. I am certain of that. The Light Varric channeled made sure of that.
This is more mundane.
It has to do with solitude, with the inability to touch, with my own inhibitions grown over the years.

It feels cold.
I feel cold.

I have purposefully decided to keep a distance from sir Hayhurst. He too has matters to sort out and it might not be healthy to be around for that.
Yet after my conversation with Tialynn I realize that in a way this means I stop not only myself, but possibly also them from taking chances, opening doors. This is hardly fair.
There is no fear this may get out of hand. He has honor. I have faith. Perhaps I should try talking to him again.
It helped him before.
It helped me before.

I will gather myself and move through this impasse. Even if I do not know how to start, I can at the very least start speaking again. I know what I strive for. I know where I want to go.
Come then.
Move along.
I will speak with Varric.
And then I have Nomine to find.
If he so wishes.

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Re: Light and darkness

#58 Post by Eileena » Fri Nov 29, 2019 2:17 pm

It is surprisingly hard to reconnect. Most people have a history together in this new chapter of Starlight. I have no report with them, no expectations to follow.
In a way this should be a relief, yet I find myself floating between the drops of the fountain again.
I am a healer. I am a tailor. I sing strength into gear.
Yet there is no need for any of this.
People have their own ways and would logically not allow a stranger into this pattern.
I shall have to forge my own patterns.
Find ways to show them my worth.

I still do not understand how it is possible that Varric does see that pattern already. Even with the strange situation between us we talk as if we have known each other for years. I have been honest in admitting I need these talks. We have both been honest in that we know it will not lead us onto the wrong roads. There will be no deceit, no dishonesty.
But we do need each other's company.
And I hope we can.
There has to be more to my return than to become a shadow again.

It was a good idea to join for the ball. Accidentally both Nomine and myself turned up in the same colour scheme. A coincidence that befits our own joined history.
To dance with him was a wonderful way out of the musings, out of the worries. To feel his arms around me, bliss.

It is the small things that will rebuild.
These things.
Sealed with a kiss.

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Re: Light and darkness

#59 Post by Eileena » Sat Dec 07, 2019 2:21 pm

It is time to admit I am failing.
I am failing my own expectations.
Failing to see the use of anything right now.

I spend my days at the refugee camps, helping the wounded, the sick. It is the best place to be, for there is a use for me. Everything else feels fake. My greetings, my smile, my inquiries into other people's well being.

Last night I heard someone advertize roasted chestnuts near the Golden Keg. I stepped in. I love chestnuts. Yet I was invisible, unable to walk up to those already there, afraid to disturb them, afraid to speak. For that would mean I might have to talk about myself.

In a lovely talk with the lady Zanthé this already became clear. How does one talk of themselves when there is nothing to talk about? I have my past. But somehow, even though I know I was on the right track, I seem to have slipped back into a paralysis, lacking a present, a future.

Fioliea seems to recognize parts of this. She tells me how Elune keeps her going. Her faith is strong. Her willpower equally so and I admit: I envy her. Were I back in the days when I believed the Light would guide me, I could put my worries aside and follow the path despite everything. Were I back in the days when I believed Starlight needed me, equally so.

I help the refugees.
Yet I am starting to wonder.
Are the days still worth waking up for.

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Re: Light and darkness

#60 Post by Eileena » Mon Dec 09, 2019 7:33 pm

Varric, Fioliea, Anadelonbrin, Lumi.
They understood.
Then at the guild meeting.
All listened.
And may have felt it.

I have been heard. I have been seen.
Perhaps now that the mask is off, more will follow.

Two people now have told me that perhaps it is time to let Nomine go.
I will not.
I cannot.
We have not been given a fair chance yet.
I have been afraid to add to his burdens and perhaps he has had the same.

It is time I stop pushing, or maybe it has been pulling.
Clearly this is not the moment.
Unless perhaps the guild meeting yesterday changed something in that.
He has made it clear he wishes us to talk.

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