Light and darkness

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Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#41 Post by Eileena » Fri Sep 20, 2019 9:02 am

People are divided and I cannot seem to understand why. What is this trouble between Anomen and Annie, Liathene? Why would Reyahd feel judged when sir Hayhurst merely disagreed? What was it i said that made Anomen walk off? What happened between Liathene and Reyahd?

I am missing a critical element somewhere. How will I find out when some will not talk about it?

Let this all work out, please. Let us manage this strangeness and be able to talk and come together again. These are good people, all of them. I wish they would grant themselves and another the room for mistakes and betterment, or even the safety of disagreeing with respect.

Sir Hayhurst had it right: there is strength in convictions, but once he joined Starlight, he realized the strength in unity, despite or thanks to the differences.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#42 Post by Eileena » Sat Sep 21, 2019 9:19 am

There is so much to do and so little time.
All I do at this moment is ask those who are involved to come and meet me when I hear their voices.
It is all I can do. There is no time for socializing. I must have time with all of them, to ensure each and everyone knows what to expect from each other. Yet time and again the situation proves I am terrible at entertaining more than one voice at the time.
This is a set back.
It leaves me missing out on important information regarding their interaction.
How will I know they can work together if I cannot get them together for a rehearsal?

I have tried with Anomen and Reyahd being there at the same time. In the end we might have worked out some differences at least, but there was nothing left in me to even touch upon the actual try out.

Once upon a time I was able to listen, to hear, to connect the lines. I did not have to be visible. I did not have to steer or push. All I did, was listen.
It was comfortable. People were not threatened by my presence. This is what a healer does.

On board of Stormwake's ship I did not have to be there at all. Invisible, only to be touched upon for my duties. It was a different kind of invisibility, forcing me into a state of non-being that might have gone on for too long.
I do not know how to connect anymore.

Now I need to grab their attention, I am horribly present. I need to steer thoughts into the same direction. I must find ways to explain one's mind to another. It is imperative to push, for there is no time.

And in that pushing
I make mistakes
Dividing the people.

This is wrong, so wrong.
And yet, more talks to be done. I need Anomen and Reyahd together again, with the risk of more confrontations. I need the lady healer, Fioliea, I cannot let the strike group go without conversing with Liathéne or Nomine. I must still have word with Morrigan.
Please, let them be around soon. I must round this off before we go.
I must remain standing.
I will remain standing.
And accept what I am responsible for myself.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#43 Post by Eileena » Wed Sep 25, 2019 9:21 am

Today we confront the darkness.
Yesterday was but the introduction.
I will be wearing a new dress, for I do not know if I will be able to do so afterwards. And the gods know Jingtei has made the most of it. She has been most kind and insightful in her creations. They are so much more artful than I ever managed. The embroidery speaks of stories in far away countries, the fabric rustles a melody I have longed to hear.

I have not had the opportunity to test my theories around Reyahd's skill. There was too much tension in the air, too many people talking. I took the easiest path and left, only to find myself in need of another for the way back.

I am in need a lot, am I not?

Then, after everyone has taken every opportunity to enlighten our new people about the shared history between Nomine and myself, it seems sir Hayhurst never heard. He was taken aback, ever chivalrous about perhaps intruding upon time between my husband and me.

There we hit a little wall, do we not?
For at this moment there is no time between us, having mutually agreed Fennelwald must be taken out of the equation first.
And for all the hopeful notions I had about him coming to the rescue, so far everything has been...strange. There is a difference between head and heart. Of course I am aware of the changes, especially after everything Chit has told me. But I need to know who he is in the present. I need to feel who he is. Is there still room for us or have I stayed behind too much?

I long for days past, for a connection that was there without speaking, for conversations that went beyond the bond we formed.
Perhaps in a way I am still waiting to be freed.
But I fear the days after.
What if we are successful? What then? It will not take back the years Nomine had to follow a path I did not join.
We will need to set our feet on a new path if we are to try.
Is this still possible?
I would like to think so, but I have to remember that my heart may be beating for a man who no longer exists.

Morrigan is not in the house. It is empty without her. I wish she would return, even if we do not talk much. Her presence reminds me of the many ways there are to touch upon life. She is hope incarnate, for all that she has gone through, she still fights to be.

Sir Hayhurst is a fighter as well, turning himself from darkness and despair back into the light.
I feel something may have dissipated after last night. How much of our conversations was based on connection, how much on hope? I truly do not wish to loose that connection. There are but few who would take that time these days.
While struggling through the mud that seems to be my brain these days, his lifeline is a strong one.

I realize the dangers of connecting to people, to one who may hold a soft spot for me, as he named it. It may be unfair, yet, I selfishly wish for those moments, for otherwise the emptiness grows beyond my bearing.

Fennelwald tonight.
Light or darkness.
Where will I come out?
At least I will be dressed well.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#44 Post by Eileena » Thu Sep 26, 2019 6:31 am

We survived.
Do not ask me how.
There is precious little to remember.
Fioliea, kind healer, her soft touch strengthened by Reyahd's song. They were smart about this, easing their way in, sharing the vulnerability.

To sit there, open to people I hardly know, reliving the nightmares with nowhere to go.
Difficult.
Until the lady healer gave me a safe place to hold on to.
I ran.
Something behind me.
Something inside of me.
We sang, Reyahd and me. We took up the harsh cold and turned it into a gateway. Anomen joined, adding so much power it was almost unbearable. As if the man was used to sending, Reyahd used to channeling. There was a terrible harmony between them.
The growing presence inside, battling the power of people working in unison.
I became the battlefield.
The darkness and the light.
Something
Nothing

I do not remember besides the pain.
Perhaps I do not wish to remember.
Perhaps I should.

Waking up, being carried out.
Strong arms. Nomine?
I touch a different kind of armor.
Sir Hayhurst.
I may have called him by his first name.
A soft hand on my head. Fioliea again.

There still appears to be strength in unity. Certainly these people have shown strength beyond belief, if I am to understand the words that floated by while I tried to resurface. They may have surprised themselves. They might have encountered their own doubts. Something tugs inside of me.
Nomine lives, I hear, as do all.
A miracle.
He does not ask after us, I notice.
I wonder why.

I am brought home.
An empty house.
Fitting.
For an empty shell.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#45 Post by Eileena » Sat Sep 28, 2019 8:48 am

Sleep pulls me under hard. There is no fighting these waves. They take me to the dark places. There is no escape. I cannot call for help. I cannot scream. All is silent as I am torn apart again.
Memories are taken, twisted, broken. I cannot be sure of what I remember. I remember the Naaru, I think. I am so sure I have stood there, Nomine behind me. But the memory did not surface with sir Hayhurst offering to take me there. It came back afterwards. How much of it is contrived because of my wishful thinking? How much is real?

Nomine is there when I wake up. Maybe I wake up because he is there.
His presence is so wished for, so welcome. Fennelwald's actual presence is gone from between us, yet will he ever really be gone?
I ache to touch, to hold, to be held. The brush of his hand against my cheek, it draws me back from the emptiness. He speaks words I have longed to hear, words that reverberate with my own. Yes, I have never stopped loving him.

Yet we both know the love is a memory, sparked by reunion, perhaps even out of necessity. Who would I be without him? Who, when we do not find the means to circle that fountain to meet again?

Find out who you wish to be and work towards it.
Wonderful.
It will spark expectations. The people who remember, have memories of someone I cannot be. I am agitated, annoyed. Poor Lumi caught the brunt when she spoke of sitting still and waiting, in order to see if my choice would come to me. I cannot wait! I cannot do that anymore. When she asked for clarification, words would not come. It was all garbled. She kept pushing for another explanation. I have none! When asked, I touch upon an emptiness that frightens me beyond belief.

It is sir Hayhurst who seems to find the words I am lacking. When asked, he tells me what happened that evening.
It is not a kind story.
There are dark mirrors in my mind, showing fears instead of hopes. It has affected people in a bad way. I fear it shines through in my daily meetings. Yet when he takes my hand, I can feel the earth steadying me again. He is honorable. I know he will not move beyond what is acceptable.
Touching.
It seems to be a necessity to remain in this world.

It is proven by the appearance of Anadelonbrin. Out of nowhere she comes, seeking me where I should have sought her. I thank her, I apologize, I hold her. And feel the hurt.
There is a strange dissonance besides her physical needs. Yet when I sing towards her, it seems to shift, wanting to fit into her harmony. Then the moment is lost as she disappears into a feathery flight. The song breaks. It hurts. Is this another dark mirror?

I walk with Nomine. He repeats what he thinks I need to do. It irks me. Why? People are trying to help, yet all I feel is anger.
Good gods.
I'm angry.

Nomine will be home before I wake.
Please, do not let the night take me.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#46 Post by Eileena » Sun Sep 29, 2019 8:44 pm

It seems I will repay my promise sooner than expected. Sir Hayhurst has received a most unnerving letter.
More unnerving is that he did not wish others to know. He does not wish Starlight to be involved, for he cannot promise how he himself will act.
I think he forgets he is a part of Starlight. We are already involved.

Tonight there will be a talk with one Garyn, a man he hardly trusts. A man who would rather stand down than aid his companions. A man who might know more of the younger daughter in a family sir Hayhurst was supposed to marry into.
It wounds him deeply.
I refuse to think it will be too deep. There must be a way to help him. At the very least I will accompany him to this first meet. Who knows what I may hear. Who knows what might be said if one thinks I do not matter. We will find out how to proceed.

It has taken some time to persuade him. He was ready to move to Northrend this evening. This would not have been wise. The more information we have, the better chance there is to rescue this poor lady. If anything, I should know how it might have ended had not Starlight prepared properly for freeing me.
This may have been the only reason why he did not push me aside.
There was one moment where I wondered if I would end up in the waters.
He listened. He will wait for us.
Varric, how deep will this run?
Please do not run from me.

Nomine is informed. This is good. He needs to know these things. He also knows this will not take me away from his plan to leave tomorrow for a day or two. There will be much to discuss, hopefully much to discover. I need to know where I stand, where I can go.
Good gods...where do we go from here?

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#47 Post by Eileena » Tue Oct 01, 2019 6:18 pm

The talk with this Garynn went pretty much as expected. He was out to bait sir Hayhurst into rash actions, anything to give him an excuse to either found a party to go get rid of this 'golden ghost' he heard about or maybe even to stop us from going there by getting sir Hayhurst angry enough to throw the first punch.

As it were, Varric bit his tongue and stayed put.
I am impressed.
The golden ghost may or may not be the younger sister to his betrothed, one who lost her life. She may...or may not have lost her mind. There is talk of murder and mayhem, but let us be honest: in Boralus the same stories circulate about me.
Yes, it hits close to home.
But maybe this is why I need to be involved. I have been there. I am there.

Garynn asked us to deliver her to him in silence if possible.
I promised we would deliver her to safety. No word about where or to whom.
A good thing he never caught my name. I do not think I care much for this man knowing of my existence. I do not wish him touching anyone with his foul deception. Truly, if this turns out for the best, I would not be surprised if this man ends up at the feet of the cliffs.
I would not mourn him.

The promise I will not play around is the one where sir Hayhurst needs the first encounter with this golden ghost by himself.
We will be close enough to act.
But he must have his moment.
I understand.

Will we loose him over this?

I do not get to check back on Varric about this, for I am away with Nomine. I need to focus on the here and now. I wish to look for what it is that seperates us.
We speak of many things. I explain the goings on aboard the ship, the measure of protection that ensured my continued existence. He tells me the story of Sinthya, how keeping her a prisoner changed something inside of her. How he used measures to break her, to ensure her cooperation.
Gods.
Yes, Chit told me, but hearing him speak of it...
It shows similarities.
I realize this.
Yet I cannot touch it, nor feel it.

There is two sides to these days together. I notice my lapse in what I call him. There is more ease in a comforting embrace. I no longer feel guilty for touching him just because I need to know he is there. Just because I need a touch. Yes, I still hope it is his touch I need. Does that make sense?
Yet I cannot help but wonder: what made us come together the first time? What was the emotional connection? Or did I forego on that? It cannot be, really, not with what I still believe to be true in my heart. He has not changed that much, has he? There is still the wit, the warmth, the man. Still, a kind of detachment I may not have noticed before.

And that is where guilt strikes again.
For detachment is not something to connect to.
Secretly I had hoped to learn from him, that maybe this time alone would show another side to him again.
Maybe it's too early.
Maybe I still fear I am still dreaming, still aboard the Mare.
Maybe the detachment is mine.
For the rest of the world does not seem to be getting any closer either.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#48 Post by Eileena » Sun Oct 06, 2019 12:17 pm

So many people who wish to advise.
In a way this is comforting, kind.
I wish to reconnect. Therefore I should listen carefully and find out how they view me through that advice. It speaks of the image they have, the expectations through the mirror of themselves. Nomine tells me to simply decide who I want to be. This does not work for me. It irks me to hear him repeat it. I wonder if his feelings follow if he decides he wishes to be with me. I do not think that works either. I want to look beyond the layers of years that are hiding him from me.
Last night was a glimpse, I believe.
Chit may be right: he may still be there, underneath it all.
Maybe I will ask him how he came to love me back in the days when I felt I was an equal in my own right. Maybe it was that confidence I bore back then. He is a strong man. He needs a strong one to stand by him. I know it is somewhere inside of me.

When talking about Sinthya I realized what although it was protection against unwanted male attention, the captain managed to bind me to her with this power. The power to withhold that protection, the power to withhold other necessities if I did not conform. The power of pain. Of ending pain.
It is a precarious game she played. One where I could not win until that one moment. Had I lashed out earlier, I would have been overwhelmed by the others. So I learned, adapted.
And forgot.

Lumi would have me wait, yet this will leave me aimless for too long. It frightens me beyond belief to swim in this ocean of nothingness. I would rather climb on shore and fail than wait any longer.

Sir Hayhurst...Varric. Another strong man with a strong opinion. Yet he will not advice. He listens. He asks. He summarizes. Even when his mind is wounded, he would ask why I have been silent. If only he will not ignore his own needs. Yes, he would be one to connect to and therein lies a danger. Yet our conversations are precious to me.
Very selfish, I know this.
But he allows me to climb out of that ocean.

Chit would not see me with anyone within a year. Her vision is to do this with women on my side. Is this because there is a danger in connecting to those men with strength of mind? Would it overpower my own? Maybe. But what if such strength is the mirror I seek to find my balance? What if that strength, combined with an opening in one's heart, is what brings my song back?
I cannot stay away from either of them. Old connections and new. They hold pieces I am after.
At least I am honest about that.
At least they both know I will take my time. There is no room for mistake. I must try to find Nomine back, maybe not just for my sake.
Maybe also for his.
And if we find the road has been closed off.
Then so be it.
But it will not be so without a fight.

Chit is a wise woman. She turned my mind from emptiness to the pieces I already hold. I will remember that.
What I have so far from our talk:
I like talking to Chit
I love the sound of the fountains
I will make up my own mind

A precious one, she is. I wish we had connected like this years before. She is right in one thing: I need her insight and yes, her support.
It made it easier to decide to join the picknick, even if I was late.
More new voices. Nelfurian decided to join. I am glad. Also a man named Philias. A deep voice. I am not entirely sure yet, but I would guess worgen, from height and intonation. He soon left, as did Varric. I understand. It is not easy opening to other people when the mind is in a knot.

It was good to sit and listen, a definite change of atmosphere.
It was good.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#49 Post by Eileena » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:44 am

There is two sides of the coin.
One is mostly shown, the other carefully hidden until a moment comes emotions spill over.
It is the inner circle of trust that will see.
It's a small circle.
But oh, that outer circle is so much bigger than one fears
Or bigger than one may handle.

Varric has experienced the strength of Starlight now.
Even if the original agreement was not kept, making him loose that first moment with Tialynn, his heart and mind are strong enough to realize it was done out of good intent. There is no ill winds between him and Cheysa. I see their strength. This could easily have gone wrong.

Many showed up to support him in his quest for Tialynn. We knew there was going to be a trap. And yes, it sprung.
Nomine's voice was strong throughout it all, the leader with bird's view, keeping a check on all.
Yet when a leader is appointed, one should follow.
This did not always happen.
Much is to be learned there, also in the struggles between us all, light and darkness fighting all over the spectrum. At some point we must be able to understand, respect, at least tolerate each other's position in this. There are middle grounds to be found. The time for one side to be able to hail the only truth are long gone.
Starlight is middle grounds.
We are grey.
We are alive.
It would do to reconsider how all of this fits into the picture of our lives. No god has stricken us down. There has to be a place for all of this.

To hear Nomine's voice barking out orders.
Mostly obeyed, sometimes countered or unheard.
I missed most of the goings on, having been tasked with a simple goal: keep sir Hayhurst from being overwhelmed by emotion. Keeping the girl from posing a danger. Stopping her in her tracks if necessary.
It was necessary.
I stopped her.
It is not a proud moment. I do not relish telling a mind something it is not planning to.
But she slept.
And therefore was safe.
I will have to resolve this with her later.

Yes, we will all have to learn.
But just to hear Nomine, hear his strength. To have him in the middle of the web, clear goal in mind while juggling light and darkness on each side...it was good. It was very good.
We had a small talk afterwards.
There was not much time, for I needed to meet up with Varric and the girl.
A promise is a promise after all.
A small talk
With great prospects.
I told him I will not go to Boralus. My reputation is a bad one. I would not be able to walk the streets like I can in Stormwind.
He agreed.

It is almost as if by taking part in this, strength is regained and with that: his eye.
So it is about finding back that which makes me stand.
It is about following orders when the situation demands it, without letting go of one's self. To know when to pick up that which you had to leave before when circumstances demand it be so.
There is a huge difference between being a shadow and playing out one's role for the day.

My role today is one of support.
I will be there to keep Varric up, as promised to Nomine.
I will be there to find Tia and bring her back, as promised to Varric.

In between I will wonder what else might have been said had we had more time.
In between I will wonder where Varric and Tialynn will find each other.
Afterwards I will rest
And deal with the consequences of my actions.

Eileena
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:10 pm

Re: Light and darkness

#50 Post by Eileena » Sat Oct 12, 2019 10:05 pm

We may be using a lot of words.
Maybe it is to keep us afloat.
But in the middle of that sea of reasoning
I hope to reach the heart of the matter.
Nomine accepts the challenge.
May he accept what he'll find as well.
For who will I be
Once I find my way from behind the veil.

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