A leatherbound journal, worn from the weather.

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Liathene
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A leatherbound journal, worn from the weather.

#1 Post by Liathene » Mon Aug 27, 2018 8:31 pm

Dear Diary

So I have decided, finally, to keep one.
I saw a stranger in the Brennadam Inn jotting down their thoughts on their day before bedtime, and... I don't know. I guess I thought I should give it a go. See, I can't sleep. For the first time in my life, I am worn down by thoughts and memories, and can't seem to quiet them enough.
I have to deal with the burning of my ancestral home.
Regardless of not growing up there as a child, I grew fond of it later. I became a better druid there, I bonded with my people, I came to appreciate all that we, as Kal'dorei, are, and what we had built.
It's gone now.
I couldn't save it.
I saw it burn, felt the heat of the flames on every inch of my body, breath scorching, ears deafened by the fire's roar. So much screaming.
I can't forget long enough to sleep. Children screaming, my mother's orphanage, innocent animals... all dead, and I couldn't save them.
I can't sleep.
So I work instead. Not sure it's healthy, but my time - all of my time - is spent trying to save and help as many as possible. I feel guilty about socializing, about resting, even about sitting down to write this while I eat dinner.
So I'm gonna stop for now, and see if it feels better tomorrow. Maybe, over time, it'll help.

-Lia
Last edited by Liathene on Sat Sep 14, 2019 8:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Liathene
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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#2 Post by Liathene » Fri Jan 18, 2019 10:42 am

Dear Diary

I almost threw you away. Every day is still hard. Sometimes I wish to go back in time. But that wouldn't be helpful.
Lately, I've been seeing the refugees' situation get worse in Stormwind. There aren't enough rations to both feed the army and them. There aren't enough materials to make sure they can have clothes on their backs. And now, after months of living in tents and on the streets, things won't hold much longer.

So, I've moved on from my former ideas. Giving them a few fish here and there simply isn't going to cut it. It isn't enough.
Instead, I've been building my network of trade. So far, I've found another druid who is skillful in gathering materials I can't, and a priest who is training as a tailor. I'm working on more contacts as well, funding their training in skills which might then be used to provide for the refugees directly, or indirectly through trading in Boralus. So far, I think this could really be something. As long as my contacts are trustworthy, we can make a difference for people in need.

-Lia

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Liathene
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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#3 Post by Liathene » Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:13 pm

Diary..

Nazmir is a dreadful place. I try not to go, but there is work to be done there. The air is heavy with moisture and the light is always dim in a sickly sort of way. Darkshore used to feel dim, not dreary though.. but the name fits, sure... but this place... it's like the swamp of sorrows in the Eastern Kingdoms. Dreadful and gloomy.

I spent too long there. I spent too long killing trolls that were minding their own business for the most part.. aggressive, sure, they were, but.. who wouldn't be? The leaders of the Alliance decided we had to invade Nazmir to create a diversion, in order to leave the enemy fleet undefended. It was a suicide mission. It required each of us to kill so many more to our number..
It felt like...

*page is full of half-written words, crossed out, and blotches of tears and blood*

*Next dry, clean-ish page*

I don't know how to say it, even having thought it over for hours. But here it is...
I still haven't managed to wash all the blood out of my hair. The inscriptions carved into my armor are still stained with it. I found hairs from them still under my boots.
The problem?
I am a healer. That's who I am. I... I'm supposed to heal people. But I was ordered to kill, and I saw no option to disobey. The Alliance matters to me, and doing everything I can to cripple Sylvanas matters.. because of what she did. She HAS to be brought to justice. But I don't have an army, I'm a part of one.. and others are making the decisions and I disagree with them sometimes, but I know that we all have the love of our people in our hearts and that's why we fight - it's why the leaders and tacticians make these awful choices - awful not because of the.. intent? but because of the consequences of them. Consequences that they fully anticipate. They knew all the soldiers in Nazmir would die. They knew and they told us.
And I went and I fought and I did what I was told, but I didn't like it. I was the person burning their home this time. I was Sylvanas.

... But I'm a healer, right?

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Liathene
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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#4 Post by Liathene » Thu Apr 25, 2019 11:46 am

It's been ages and I kinda forget to write. A lot has been happening, and my mind is swirling with it all.

I'll try to be sensible about getting it all down for now.

First, the Czele problem.
Several of my fellow Starlighters seem to have gotten involved with this blood elf, seemingly having forgotten everything that lead to them meeting her. Devvy, Chit, maybe even Nomine?
So I'm going to write it down now. Let there be a written record, even a private one, of what I know.
When I was younger, before I became a champion for the alliance, back when I was a.. civilian, I guess, I saw her. I had never seen a blood elf before, or a warlock. I knew what the Horde was, but our quiet little corner of Azeroth was largely untouched, and so, I knew they were our enemy, but I hadn't personally seen battle yet.

Across a narrow river, I saw her. A new type of elf, to me. Her eyes are what made me remember her. They spotted me, and I saw her as she considered whether to kill me or not. To this day, I don't know what made her decide not to, but in my memory, she seemed bored. Somehow, the way her eyes met mine, and the way they saw.. through me.. it scared me. Her robes had streaks of blood on them, and the sleeves were torn.
She took candles out of her bad, and skulls.. tiny skulls. I hid, hoping she would forget I was there. But I watched her still, I couldn't stop. Didn't dare turn my back.
She lit the candles, and as she rummaged through her pack for something, I saw the Horde sigil on it. Then she performed a ritual. A demon came out of shadows which appeared mid-air on a sunny afternoon. She spoke to the demon. She yelled at it. It bowed to her, it was afraid of her.

Years later, in fact, not that many months ago, I saw the same elf. I know it is the same elf, because even though her eyes are a different color now, their expression is the exact same. I know that it is her. But now, she was in Stormwind. Strolling through the Cathedral Square, through the city and into the Mage Quarter. Being able to transform now, and hide much better, I was able to follow her a short distance, and I overheard her speak. She was buying bread, and had such difficulty speaking the common tongue. But it was the same voice. I don't know how or why she landed in Stormwind, or how she's managed to stay here without getting recognized as a Horde... spy, I guess. But here she lives.

And then Devvy met her. And I asked Nomine to find out a bit about her. He has told me of their conversations. That she admitted to having fought for the Horde in the past. That he still doesn't trust her. I hope that is still true. Because Devvy trusts her. Enough that they are in business together now. She has gotten involved with Chit, too, and the upcoming ball. Apparently 'helping' with drinks.
But that leaves me with even less trust - why Starlighters? Why does she keep meeting more of them, getting involved like this? What is she playing at? What's her endgame here!?

... I know that I might be sounding paranoid, but at the same time.. a Horde warlock in our midst, both Starlight's and Stormwind, shouldn't be taken lightly!


Second, the war.
Completely aside from Czele and that issue, the very clear and concrete consequences of the war have been overwhelming. I've not been okay since Teldrassil burned. I fight mostly in Darkshore now, trying to help my kind, defend our homeland.
Defend and help the survivors, the homeless, the orphans.. all of them. it's not possible alone, of course.

But I've found one more comforting and concrete way of making a difference to my people. It's not much, really.. it's 'small beans' as I've been told, but everything counts, right?
I can't tell Starlight too much of it yet.. I want to wait until I have some results.

I have founded a trading company. With the gold I've collected through my own work, and through talking to many of the homeless I've fed on the streets of Stormwind and in Darkshore and surrounding lands, I've managed to gather a group of good people, whose education in tradeskills I am funding, in order to create a fully functioning trading company which will then be able to fund a larger scale of work to feed our people, train them in skills, rebuild broken towns, and create new infrastructure.
Gwynus, a mild-mannered gnome first gave me the idea and helped to set it all up to begin with. She seems to be moving on to other projects at some point, but I'm not too sure.
Ayathia is a young mage, just starting in her learning, but soon after I begun funding her education, she showed a talent for numbers. So she is training as a trader, mainly. Perfect really, even if it wasn't the initial plan.
Aszhura is quite a lot older than me, and was left with almost nothing after the burning of Teldrassil. She's a skilled tailor and enchanter though, and she offered her skills to my project. I will be ever thankful for that.
Ilithé is a young but powerful druid, and she is training as a miner and herbalist to supply us with materials. She's a hard worker and very dedicated. I believe she'll go far.
Kasdéya, a demon hunter, put me off a bit at first. But she's dedicated and true, and she's not shy with her opinions. She contributes with blacksmithing and inscription, but like me, needs to devote some time to working in the field to stay sane. Can't argue with her on that point, really. I guess we respect each other in that way.
Saerai is a void elf, and is having a hard time dealing with the life she ended up with. She struggles a lot but she's honest about it, so.. that makes me a little at ease. To help with it, we've found that training as a hunter, and in the skills of engineering and jewelcrafting - skills that keep her focused on the here and now - keep the whispers at bay a little.
Mirezi, also a hunter, is... well... ambitious. Very ambitious. Like Saerai, she enjoys engineering, and mining, for now. But she seems to be getting bored sometimes. We'll find her something she enjoys long term soon enough.

Meanwhile, I keep talking to people, finding youngsters who need a path, and providing them with tutors to help guide them. I can't be there personally for them all, but at least I can connect people with each other. A network of the lost, helping each other one day at a time.
It keeps me busy, I gotta say. But importantly, it gives me hope. I've needed that for a long time.

~Lia~

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Liathene
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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#5 Post by Liathene » Mon May 06, 2019 10:06 am

Diary... dear diary..

*several words on the page, trying to start a sentence, are crossed out.*

I can't seem to form sentences to express this, so I guess I'll stop trying.

I'm a mess. Damn it. *barely readable as the ink is splatted out*

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Liathene
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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#6 Post by Liathene » Tue May 07, 2019 7:12 pm

Dear Diary

This last week has been.... busy. Actually, I guess it’s more than a week, but just barely.
Rey asked me to go check out a house with her... no, that’s not where it started. By Elune, this is going to be a mess.
A few of us from Starlight were investigating a man. A builder, contractor? Doesn’t really matter.
We were in an inn, trying to find this guy. We found him, all is good. But Tikal was being weird. I would’ve scratched his face off if I hadn’t had to stay hidden.

The next day, at the guild meeting...
Ugh, it doesn’t matter. All this context will take forever to write down.

Annie is smarter than people give her credit for. Than I give her credit for. But I’m not sure if she had really planned... hoped... for this. This fast.
I spoke to her at a guild meeting some time ago, about the war in Zandalar, the Alliance offensive, how it was getting to me. She suggested I might feel better about fighting in Darkshore, which is of course completely true. She told me now that she did this on purpose though, to get her father to notice me.
I think she had hoped that Tikal and I would become friends. Or maybe this is exactly what she hoped for. I don’t know.

I guess he saw me. Still not sure why.
But it really didn’t help that the second time we were alone, I was still recovering from a ghost screaming in my head so loudly I couldn’t shapeshift anymore. I couldn’t think properly.
I wasn’t going to let things happen so fast. I just figured there was no harm getting to know him. Safe, right?

...Diary, I am not in control. I am not in control of this. Of me.
How does one go so many years of life, training, becoming what I am... and still not know how to control this?
It’s embarrassing how much I have to struggle to slow this down.
And I can’t figure out if... he genuinely seems to respect me, and if he didn’t, I’d still scratch his face off. But sometimes, I swear he’s playing with me. I don’t know what to do with it.

I’m used to life being simple. Or I was?
Since Teldrassil burned, things have been hard. Awful, most of the time. But still simple for the most part.
I’m used to having focus. I’m used to my emotions being... in line, in a way. I may have different emotions at once, but they tend to be at peace with each other.
This isn’t. Not all the time... when we are calm together, there is peace. When he holds me, there is peace.
But when he toys with me, the peace evaporates and war begins.
I’ve spent far too long thinking, trying to understand what it is, and so far, this is all I’ve understood.
Surrender versus control. It can’t be both.

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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#7 Post by Liathene » Wed May 15, 2019 5:46 pm

The healers were upset with me this morning. One of them yelled.

That should have made me feel bad.

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Liathene
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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#8 Post by Liathene » Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:07 pm

Dear Diary

So much has happened.

And so little I feel I can write down.

War rages still in Darkshore, and everywhere. There are so few escapes from it.
There was a mine a while back.. Chit went a bit bonkers in there.. we ended up having to blow up the cave. Annie did a great job of that.
Then... I don't know, it's all a blur by now. Chaos.

What happened today, there may never be a written record of, and that might be for the best. The longer I am in this world, the more I begin to doubt my own goodness. Why should my version of what is good and right weigh heavier than anyone else's? But of course, if I did not believe it did, I could not do anything of consequence. I could not fight for my people, I could not risk my life to save others. I could not heal nor kill.

But I fear the blindness that one risks bestowing on oneself.


Why did I write it like that? That's not me.. where did I hear that said?
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Liathene
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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#9 Post by Liathene » Thu Aug 15, 2019 6:40 am

*tears stain the pages, and the handwriting is unsteady*

I failed them all.

Healing is second nature to me, but when I needed to help them, Elune would not come to me. Why did she not answer my call?
Have I become too arrogant? Does she reject me for what I am become? Does she reject the cause I fight for? Does she reject those I am trying to save?
Have I been deceived somehow, lured into caring for those who Elune deems unworthy to aid?

Am I.. somehow.. working against her will?

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Re: A brand new journal, barely scuffed on the edges.

#10 Post by Liathene » Thu Aug 15, 2019 2:25 pm

Elune...

Forgive me for what I am about to do.

Seeking out her for advice is the last thing I ever imagined, but I fear for how many more lives will be lost or ruined if I do not.

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