Light and darkness

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Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Mon Jun 15, 2020 3:41 pm

The conversations do not always flow. It is hard to think on the words to make myself clear. Somehow it makes sense in my head, but it does not translate well at all.

Although with some it does.

I still think back on that talk with Chit. It was enlightening. It was...hard. There is so much more I wanted to tell her, but it was not right. It did not feel right.
Or perhaps I am looking for recognition.
Not...being acknowledged as such, but more something of a mirror. There is so much wisdom in the women of Starlight. I feel there is not much I can add. Perhaps that simply is not necessary.
Perhaps I would just like to talk about women's business.

I love Varric, do not get me wrong. There are many evenings when we just cannot seem to stop exploring the world we both come from. If there is ever a lack of words, it is simply because the silence is already filled in his arms.
I love Philias, who always seems to be in the right place at the right time. He who never judges.
They are men.

And the women of Starlight are all caught in webs of discovery and importance.
Which is logical.
But...simple things, those things that happen inside, those things that fill a day besides the duties of a healer. Just being me.
I think the meetings we have taken up since Anomen's evening are a good start. There is room for different subjects.
Yet I still lack that uncomplicated sharing.
Can I ?
Can I ever go back to just enjoying what is, without feeling the need to listen beyond words?

I should see if there are possibilities in Stormwind, but I do not dare to.
Is there anyone I can talk to about this without feeling I am either hurting them or bothering them with this?
I want to giggle about this.
I want to exchange silly notions.
But history changes everything.
And the one person's reason for happiness is a very heavy memory for another.

Innocence has been lost a long time ago.
I am aware.
I will remain silent save for the moments where an explanation is in order.
And giggle in a corner with a big, greying worgen.
How is that for a lovely silly notion?

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Wed Jun 03, 2020 2:09 pm

There was no disagreement after all.
Not between Chit and ourselves.
There were merely assumptions made about what we did not have a chance to speak of.

I am gladdened and worried at the same time.
There were no questions, only hard counters. A yes against a no, even when I heard nothing in Chit's words that opposed our beliefs.
How did that happen?
Or rather, why did it not happen differently?

I am glad we had a chance to speak today, but the implications are dire.
Perhaps Irenya is right and there is not much base trust in the healers.
Perhaps I was simply too caught in my emotions that evening.
Too many questions that might not get any answers.

But, at least we already agreed on the captain.
We have that.

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Mon Jun 01, 2020 7:08 pm

For years my father thought I was dead.
He had a right to know.

As we speak, my father is missing.
I have a right to know.

There is hope for that spark of humanity.
There has to be.
It is my own spark as well.

We have no right to decide what is good for a mother to know.
She asked for news on her son, good or bad.
We have news.
She has a right to know.

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Fri May 29, 2020 6:55 pm

Every little step at getting closer.
And someone else walks in.
Every little bit of understanding
Being fought.

Yes, I know your fight, Irenya. I know it up close and personal. This is why I know it will not do much to keep it inside.
Why do people refuse a hand?
Or is it just mine?

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Mon May 25, 2020 3:22 pm

Some people hurt, yet do not wish to be helped.
It is not something I can force.
It is something I can regret.
I wonder if he will come around from that.

On the other hand, knowing Irenya shares my hopes in wanting to mean something again to Starlight, helps. It is not utterly strange then, to want to feel useful to a group of people. She is one of the healers I know who are very aware of her own boundaries and how far one should go in trying to help another.
This is helpful.
It puts fears at ease.

Then after a somewhat difficult start some time back it seems Anomen and me have more in common than I thought as well. Of course I was aware of his own feelings of solitude when he organized that wonderful evening. But to hear him speak so realistically of it, accepting yet moving forward? An eye opener.
It is as I told people long ago: as long as there is movement, there is hope.
Once people stop moving, it all ends.
So I move and will keep on moving forward.

And Philias...oh goodness, you artist. You man of a thousand creative forces. I am so pleased to hear you will be using those forces for your own enjoyment as well!
Yes, it is sad to see such a chapter come to an end.
but in the end
It is about staying in movement.
And that is what he is doing now.
That is good.

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Fri May 22, 2020 9:21 am

So much remains unsaid.
I am very glad Irenya wanted to see me. She is kind, yet immeasurably strong. I wonder how many people realize that one being strong does not mean they do not feel.
There were hints.
Many of them.
Yet the questions asked of me were answered first and once I heard an opening, it was lost due to the happy arrival of Philias.

I seem to be surrounded by the most generous of people.
Yet I cannot help but wonder when they will ask something for themselves.

I believe I shall have to schedule another meet. There are plenty reasons to ask. The mission to Northrend, for one. It does not seem wise for me to join in. What good would that do when people need to keep their eyes on the surroundings? Irenya mentioned it would be wise, however, to have a back up healer in the base camp.

Varric understands the need for this, the need to feel useful. He agrees I should go. Perhaps it will help reestablish more connections.

It has been so long.
Yes, I sang for Feathers, but...can I still do this in haste?
Time to find out.

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Fri May 15, 2020 3:12 pm

The days pass faster and yet so slow. Perhaps it has to do with finding a new rhythm.These days I wake up before Varric starts his work in the forge. He certainly has no shortage of orders coming in.
Not all related to weaponry either.
I enjoy that.
I enjoy the sounds, the familiar scents. It has been in my life for as long as I can remember and now it is again, yet in a new chapter.
How poetically fitting.

I am still not certain whether I wish to move back into the parental farm. It is a very understandable idea, long as I do not know where Nathan is, it somehow feels wrong. It is interesting how there is not a moment I am fooled by this life with a blacksmith. I know it is not my father working there. I know perfectly well who it is, even when just waking up. I know who is feeding the fires, blazing the cinders. I know who is bending the metal.
I know.
And it does not hurt.
If anything, the fires feed the fond memories, not confusion.
I love it.
I love him.

It must be that fire that attracted me to him, the soul of a forger, a creator despite all the death and decay he has seen. The gentleness in his strength, guidance in his touch.

A man who likes sweets as much as I'd want to be back on a ship.
And still he came with me for Philias' cake tasting.
A very pleasant evening with good company. I am not certain if we helped Philias in his choices, though. The people were divided, with Nomine having an extra portion of the ice cream cake, I believe? For myself...goodness, those raspberries with that subtle hint of vanilla...Oh yes, definitely something I would ask for a feast of my own.

It must have been abundantly clear, for today a messenger arrived.
With the larger version of aforementioned cake.

Goodness, Philias, you sweet man! You do know how to make me smile.

We took a little walk through Dalaran afterwards, finding out we had no idea where to find the park. In the end we did find a nice bench. And yes, there was a tree.
Perhaps it was a park, perhaps not.
Yet in the end
It was lovely.
It was simply what we wanted it to be.
And I have learned that is all that matters.

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Fri May 08, 2020 12:07 pm

She agreed!
Of course there were the usual questions. I do not blame anyone for wanting to know what exactly went on, especially those I used to know. Yes, it is still a topic that sits uneasily with me. There are so many questions left, so many doubts, so many fears.

But perhaps this new life will help me focus. I know I want to walk this path. It is a conscious choice, a choice I feel confident about. Thrilled. Chit definitely had the right words for it. It is when I am away from Varric that I feel less sure of myself, or perhaps less sure of how I fit in with these people, half of which I should know. Yet when I am with him, the world feels right. I know I can be someone. I know perhaps this is not the right place for me, but...I cannot just walk away from Starlight.
I have not tried everything.
And as with Nomine, I need to know for sure. I need to know if this is still a place where I can grow or if it will eternally drag me back to memories and nightmares.

I asked Irenya today: does Starlight still need healers?
Or am I simply not around at the right times?
A question she seems to ponder as well.
We will meet again.

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Thu May 07, 2020 8:15 pm

Anomen is a smart man. He found ways to lower the thresholds for interaction enough so people could start speaking instead of just listening.
Very smart indeed. I hope to get to know him better as well after the strangely false start we had.

And who would have thought that someone like Devvy, with her own icecream parlour, with all her kindness and not to forget bravery after the stories I as nervous about initiating a conversation as I am. Chit works as much with structures as Anomen seems to. It was helpful to both Aldus and myself to see the use of that. Aldus is a most kind person. I do look forward to meeting him with Chit again.

Anomen's evening helped, most definitely, but I noticed tonight during the tailor's meet that I just...freeze? As soon as there are more people I notice that mask sliding down, the politeness playing up. Immediately any subjects I might have something to say on slip through my fingers, feeling it does not matter in the least what I might think to add.
A most curious sensation.
But at least I am more aware of it now. It is true, then. I may never have been myself in company, truly.
Am I now?
Xanai's remark struck home. It is strange to be alive when confronted around every corner with my death.

Soon there will be more needlework. It helps soothe the mind. I am glad Xanai accepted my help, equally glad I am helping Chit.

Tomorrow I may meet Irenya again. I will ask her what we agreed upon.

Re: Light and darkness

by Eileena » Sat Apr 11, 2020 10:02 am

Oh my.
Could it be?